


Very Secret Diaries of Aramis and Athos (Musketeers, Series 3)

by WeUsedToKnock



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hide and Seek, Party Games, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-06 15:44:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16390544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeUsedToKnock/pseuds/WeUsedToKnock
Summary: Really, just what the title says. Or maybe more of an internal monologue than a diary.





	1. Episode 1, Spoils of War

**Author's Note:**

> Having affectionately lampooned Athos and Sylvie in their own secret diaries (https://archiveofourown.org/works/7459032/chapters/35754738), there were a couple of requests for Aramis. Who, as already discussed elsewhere, was infinitely harder to write than Athos and Sylvie. Still... I'm told that this has made at least one person chuckle, so I've got a first episode diary for him and will try to add more eventually (when I can get Aramis/my brain to cooperate). 
> 
> The diaries seem to work best when they play off against each other, so I've added in Athos' diary to go with Aramis' s (it also means that Athos's diary has been tweaked to add more Aramis.)
> 
> As before, thanks (and apologies) are owed to the writers and actors whose stories and performances I have blatantly exaggerated, caricatured, deliberately misunderstood, and outright ignored when it suits me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis is busy herding waifs-and-strays, and Athos would _really_ like a drink...

## Secret Diary of Aramis, Part 1

**Prologue...**

And Lo! It came to pass that while waiting for torture and certain death, the Musketeer Aramis regretted his unfortunate habit of causing his girlfriends to meet a sticky end, and repented of his ways. So he vowed to leave his BFFs in Paris and retreat to a monastery for a life of spiritual contemplation, obedience and chastity...

* * *

**Day 1: The Monastery, Day 1,450**

I cannot lie. When I vowed to dedicate my life to God, I was imagining a life of spiritual contemplation and worship. I did not expect to become childminder-in-chief at the monastery, and I _did_ think that I'd be an actual monk by now, but alas, I am still not-quite-a-monk-yet. Such is the will of God. Of course there is a precedent for novices taking on childcare roles before taking their vows. Fortunately I have not been expected to teach singing or make clothes from curtains (my robes are a particularly fetching shade of blue - not that such things matter of course). Still, I digress. Pastoral care is a virtuous and worthy service - 'suffer little children' etc. And I try to maintain a positive and Christian outlook on my new life. Praise be, and all that!

Today I was smouldering scenically in the countryside, trying to round up the waifs-and-strays for their lessons. They were less than keen to stop playing, and the eldest one was particularly stroppy - he announced that I was 'only a monk' and incapable of understanding musketeer LARP. Was tempted to pick up one of their discarded sticks and give him a whack - as suggested in proverbs 'The rod and reproof give wisdom' but on reflection there's more in the bible about forgiveness than there is about beating disobedient children. I shall simply have to increase his observation and accuracy lessons if he really hasn't noticed that I'm actually not-quite-a-monk-yet.

On our way home, we came across a bunch of grown up LARPs who were just finishing up an overly realistic ambush scenario. In ~~the good old days~~ my old life, I would have joined in with enthusiasm, using witty repartee, swords and gunpowder. Now though, being not-quite-a-monk-yet and having eschewed a life of violence, I simply herded up the waifs-and-strays, turned the other cheek and left them to it. (Also, I used The Stare TM and convinced the LARPs that I was too handsome to be shot.) I thought that my sterling demonstration of the Christian ethos would earn me some brownie points with the Abbot, and make him realise that I really am ready to be a monk, but sadly not. He just went on about how he really likes my company, admires my dedication to maintaining ~~the distractingly good looks that God has blessed me with~~ my beard, and assured me that God would protect us.

I must admit that I was slightly dubious, but he _is _the Abbot, and he leads our community, so I restricted myself to looking ~~handsome~~ concerned and lurking scenically in corners. Sadly though, my doubts were proved right as the Abbot was rapidly killed off,  and even with my positive Christian outlook,  I was forced to conclude that the victorious LARPs were actually Murderous Thugs of the sort I used to encounter in ~~the good old days~~ my previous life. So once again I was left to shepherd the waifs-and-strays (except the stroppy older one, who went awol) into the cellars to play hide and seek until the Thugs moved on to pastures new. I also wondered if the next Abbot would let me be an actual monk. God truly does work in mysterious ways.__

Having won the first round of hide and seek in the cellars, the oldest waif turned up with my BFFs from Paris!!! Praise be! I was a completely astonished, but very happy - it meant _they_ could deal with the Murderous Thugs and I could continue my life as a peace-loving not-quite-a-monk-yet.

While we waited for it to get dark outside, I looked after the waifs-and-strays and had a nice chat with Athos. He was very supportive about my life choices and also understanding about my being not-quite-a-monk-yet. It did look like he smirked a bit when I said I wasn't having problems with the vow of celibacy - but I'm sure that was just a trick of the candlelight. Porthos was unaccountably grumpy and completely failed to appreciate that I cannot break my vow to God, but obviously I forgave him (as per sundry bible teachings).

Come nightfall we replaced the monks with cabbages/bread/statues and all sneaked out through the underground tunnels. (Obviously, it would be un-Christian of me to comment on how easily some of the Brothers (in their drab brown robes) can be mistaken for cabbages and other inanimate objects.)

**Day2: The Monastery, Day 1,451**

While we were making our escape this morning, the Murderous Thugs caught up with us, so I sent the Brothers and the waifs-and-strays to play hide and seek again, while I found non-lethal ways to deal with the Thugs. Rocks, sword hilts and gun butts all worked satisfactorily and I was doing rather well at non-fatal incapacitation of Thugs until I accidentally ran one through with a sword. Oops. Though I did say a prayer for him, so that's probably ok. Then it all got a bit out of hand when the Murderous-Thug-in-Chief stabbed the eldest waif, with the result that I got rather cross and unfortunately shot him dead. Oops - again. And I didn't pray for him either. That put a bit of a dent in my peace-loving not-quite-a-monk-yet qualifications. Though it was a very good shot and clearly was what God wanted or it wouldn't have worked. And the bible does talk about 'an eye for an eye'. (Also, as a bonus, the oldest waif wasn't hurt after all. Hallelujah!)

At that point I decided that God probably wanted me to go back and warn my BFFs about the approaching Spanish soldiers, so I sent the Brothers and the waifs-and-strays off to carry on playing hide and seek in the wood.

My BFFs were all ~~having a jolly good time~~ fighting the good fight against the rest of the Murderous Thugs and defending God's house. Obviously it was my Christian duty to join in and help them. And God made it pretty clear earlier that he approved of my skills in protecting the Brothers and the waifs-and-strays, so I was clearly justified in setting aside the 'love thy neighbour' commandment.

Ended up going for an exciting carriage ride with Porthos and blowing up all of the stolen ammunition to foil the Murderous Thugs and Spanish soldiers. Doing God's work can be great fun at times. Then we returned to the monastery to ~~have a celebratory drink~~ give thanks.

After all that, I decided to have a little chat with God about what he wanted me to do, and, OMG!!!(literally) I could feel his presence as I stood in the chapel, and then He spoke to me - as if He was standing right next to me: "You are many things Aramis, but a monk is not one of them." Well, you can't get a much clearer sign than that - back to Musketeering for me. Handily, when I turned around Athos was right next to me, so I could tell him the good news.

The other good news was that the whole event has completely put the oldest waif off LARP, so I left the monastery safe in the knowledge that the surrounding countryside is free from marauding waifs-and-strays. Praise be! Had a celebratory drink on the way back - after all, our Saviour would hardly have converted water into wine if he hadn't thought that wine is a Good Thing.

**Day 3-4, Paris**

When we got back to Paris, d'Artagnan went straight to the garrison - apparently he 'had business' there, though I think probably he just wanted to see Constance (it is good to know he is taking his holy vows of matrimony seriously - those which God has joined together, etc). The rest of us went to see Treville (in a very fancy new coat - a vast improvement on his battered old jacket), who introduced us to a quite astonishingly rude man who seems to be in charge of Paris now and was very dismissive of 'war heroes.' I was very unimpressed but decided not to take offence since, technically, I'm not actually a war hero. Also, challenging the governor of Paris to a duel on my first day back might be a bit rash.

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 1

**Day 1: Battlefield, Day 1,401.**

Well, sod this captaining lark for a game of soldiers, it's no bloody fun at all. I haven't seen the inside of a tavern for over 3 years, Porthos has stopped bothering to cut his hair, and D'Artagnan has completely grown out of his armour - all that fits now is some sort of metal bolero effort. Meanwhile yours truly has to put up with a muppet of a General whose idea of a sensible strategy is to mislay the ammunition and send swords up against cannons - FFAS. On the plus side though, we do seem to be mostly bullet proof, so there's that. (Or maybe it's just that there isn't a single Spanish soldier who can shoot straight.)

Anyway, today we eventually won the battle with D'Artagnan using the General's cunning strategy of running straight at the guns. FFS. Am not v. impressed - I think he'll find that I'm the Captain here, not him, so if anyone decides that we should have a headlong sprint at the guns, it's me - not him. Also, way to prove the General right. FML. Still, we found some wine at the end (albeit Spanish) so I'll let him off.

Having won the day, we went to report to the General and found his aide muttering something about being his right hand man, which turned out to mean that - literally, he had most of the general's right hand. Clearly this was a bit unusual - it not being attached to the General anymore, so off we went to try and find ~~some decent wine~~ the rest of him. As we were riding through the woods we heard a bell being rung so sped up a bit - didn't want to miss last orders. Tried to ask a young man for directions to the relevant tavern, but he was too busy babbling something about needing help at his monastery, so obviously what with duty, honour and all that, we went to see if ~~they happened to brew some of that rather nice apple brandy that the Nuns were so good at making~~ we could be of assistance.

Found a lovely cellar full of alcoholic barrels at the monastery and you'll never guess what else - Aramis was playing hide and seek down there too! OMG! Though I was most bemused to find him surrounded by children - I mean, he hasn't been gone that long - they can't all be his, surely? And they're definitely too young to be some sort of Harem. D'Artagnan was happy to see him, but Porthos was in a right snit at him - despite being cast as the hero of Aramis's bedtime stories for said children. Still, never mind all that - there was a whole cellar full of alcohol!!!!!

Turned out that Aramis has been appointed head of childcare for local waifs and strays. Sadly, it also turned out that our missing ammunition had been hijacked for selling to the Spanish, and was being stored in the monastery, and we needed to sort that out before we were allowed to do any serious amounts of drinking. FML. Had a nice chat with Aramis while we waited to evacuate the place - found out about life as a not-quite-a-monk. He said that obedience is a problem (weird - what happened to 'We follow our orders, no matter where they lead'?) and that he didn't mind the celibacy. Yeah, right. I managed not to actually laugh in his face (because this was a 'supportive Captaining chat') but I may have smirked. And then I had to explain that Porthos is still stroppy because since Aramis left, no-one else will let Porthos shoot a watermelon off their head, but am sure he'll come round. Am v. good at supportive Captaining chats. Then it was time for to sneak everyone out of the Monastery and get a good nights ~~drinking~~ sleep in the cellars.

**Day 2**

This morning we had fun games of 'Shooting Rats in a Barrel' and 'Whack-a-mole' with the ammunition thieves, and I sent Porthos and Aramis off to stop the ammunition being pinched. Quite why they thought the best course of action was to take it away and blow it all up, rather than keep it and re-supply the front with it I have no idea (this clarity of thinking is why _I'm_ the Captain, and not Porthos) but at least the Spanish didn't get it. Also on the plus side:  
\- Porthos had some sort of male bonding session with Aramis while they were off in the woods together and he's stopped sulking (result!),  
\- Aramis gave up on trying to be a monk after yours truly gave him a pep talk about not needing to be a monk to serve God. Go me! Am clearly an excellent Captain.  
\- I _might_ have accidentally liberated a bottle or two from the cellars for the journey home. Obviously, as Captain, I have to make sure we are well supplied for the trip - logistical planning and all that. So it was all above board and fine. Definitely.

**Day 3-4**

After a long ride, was looking forward to being back to Paris - lots of nice taverns to choose from. Decided (being a responsible Captain and all) that we should look in on Minister Treville first and ~~let him take us out for a celebratory drink~~ update him on the situation. That resulted in a quick bout of manly hugs all round but no offers of a drink from him - FFS. Being a minister has badly warped his priorities, because instead of suggesting that we go out for a celebratory drink, he took us to visit one of King Henry's offshoots who seems to be in charge of Paris now. He's clearly not Trevilles' new BFF - we got a snarky 'Welcome, now piss off' speech from him (and still no offers of a drink). I retaliated with a selection of my best 'mildly amused/disdainful/humour-the-lunatic' faces and decided not to invite either of them out for a drink with us. So, off to the pub with the boys then. Hurrah!

All for one and one for ~~all~~ a nice bottle of wine (each). (Apart from d'Artagnan who had _business_ to attend to at the Garrison. Totes a euphemism, obviously.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LARP - Live Action Role Play (Because someone asked.)


	2. Episode 2, The Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis tries to re-establish his Romantic HeroTM credentials, and Athos is discombobulated

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

**Day 1**

It is good to be back at the Garrison, and I fully acknowledge that my fighting skills are somewhat rusty. But I do feel that Porthos and Athos were rather over-enthusiastic in their efforts to bring me up to speed. Porthos in particular seemed to enjoy punching me rather harder than necessary and Athos was not at all sympathetic. Still, these things are sent to try us, and they are doing God's work, for as the bible tells us, 'the Lord trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle' but His abilities as a sparring partner are somewhat lacking. Fortunately d'Artagnan came to my rescue by getting involved in a riot about grain, so we stopped sparring, put on our uniforms (I _have_ missed mine, even though it is a bit out of date now) and went to find out what was going on.

Turned out that the Very Rude Man and his Red Guard minion were putting about the laughable idea that the refugees had managed to steal 1000 sacks of grain and hide them in their settlement without anyone noticing. Athos said we had to search the settlement to prove that the sacks weren't there, which seemed like a particularly daft waste of our time. When I pointed this out he got very huffy - I fear that being Captain may have given him a rather over-inflated sense of self-importance. Of course, we didn't find any grain, so Porthos and I were ~~very smug~~ proved right.

Anyway, much to my surprise, when we got back to the garrison, we found that Athos had returned from the settlement with an Attractive Young Woman (wearing a fetching peasant style outfit in nice bright colours). I didn't fancy his chances - she seemed quite argumentative (which won't go down well with Mr 'Do-I-need-to-make-that-an-order?') and she didn't seem overly keen on him, which is understandable really since _I'm_ the Romantic Hero TM, not him (although I haven't had much practice recently). I must admit, I did feel some sympathy for her insistence that we should all strive for a better life - it is a worthy aim. After all, our Lord promises to raise up His followers, so I was going to suggest that we could meet privately ~~so I could get to know her better~~ for some in-depth religious instruction. However, Porthos was getting very irritable so I thought best not.

Fortunately one of the cadets burst in before Porthos could get even grumpier and announced that they needed a practical demonstration of 'tact and diplomacy' to help find the missing grain. This seemed like an excellent opportunity to cheer up Porthos and impress the cadets. After a quick LARP of 'Good Cop/Bad Cop' (during which I broke planks of wood in an ~~overly dramatic~~  instructional display of ~~the martial arts skills that I've learnt from my years of training with the Shaolin Monks~~ how to intimidate a witness) we identified the source of the wagon which had been selling grain. So we mooched over to the wagon yard to let Porthos demonstrate his CSI skills (horse breeding/geology/lie detection) before heading off to try and hunt down the missing grain.

**Day 2**

While Porthos was away on looking for the grain, the rest of us met up in Athos's office again. Was most surprised to find he _still_ had the Attractive Young Woman in tow. This time she was rather upset about one friend who was missing, and another who was dead. Of course, I ~~flirted~~ reassured her that we would find whoever was responsible for it, but then d'Artagnan (having returned from his secondment as advocate to the imprisoned refugees) made things worse by announcing that her father had died overnight, which rather killed the moment and she didn't even seem to notice that we all directed our best 'compassionate looks' at her. (Obviously, my attempt was vastly superior to Athos' because he's not the Romantic Hero TM. Also I am far more familiar with the bible's teachings - 'comfort those who are in any affliction' etc.)

That evening Athos announced that we were going to the pub (now _that's_ the Athos I know) in search of the refugee who had gone missing. I picked out a likely venue, then Athos:  
  1) announced that the Attractive Young Woman couldn't come into the pub with us,  
  2) said that I had to wait outside with her,  
  3) chained her up!  
I was a bit insulted to be honest. I mean, I know I haven't used my Romantic Hero TM skills for a while, but previous experience indicates that women are more than happy to spend time with me - they don't need to be chained up first ~~that bit comes later, if that's how they roll~~. But then - quelle horreur! She turned out to be unaccountably immune to my charms.  First she asked all sorts of questions about Athos (I warned her off him, because, well, _Athos._ ) Then she flirted outrageously with me and initiated a kiss (it would have been rude to refuse her advances, what with being my status as Romantic HeroTM and all) and then while I busy was keeping the key out of her reach she pinched my gun!!! To add insult to injury, she announced that she was 'choosy about who kisses her' and ran off after Athos. WTF? It was all very alarming (and a bit embarrassing). What has happened to my legendary charm?! As it was, I went into the pub for a consolation drink, and found her in Athos' arms! This is all wrong! What has happened to the world?!

**Day 3**

This morning, Athos was out of the picture, so I had a second shot at the Attractive Young Woman (a.k.a. Sylvie) while I escorted her to the prison mortuary to identify her father - an ideal opportunity for that religious discussion I had planned. Unfortunately she seemed less than impressed with my opening gambit of reassurance her that her father was with God now, so I didn't try the 'life is but a veil of tears' line. This was clearly a good call because she asked me to stay - result! I _have_ still got what it takes! As the bible says, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.' (Obviously I didn't attempt any 'comforting' there and then, that would have been most inappropriate.)

So, later in the day once the whole 'grain theft' fiasco was sorted out, we went back to the refugee settlement to reassure them that all was well. Athos went off to update Sylvie, and then she only went and snogged his face off - right in front of us! WTF? (Again.) Her mind must be unbalanced by grief still. Athos was very smug. Git. It's very odd though. Perhaps God no longer wants me to be the Romantic HeroTM.  Am most perturbed. 

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

**Day 1**

What a day - D'Artagnan - once we'd prised him out of bed (wouldn't catch me spending all morning lolling about in bed like that. That's why _I'm_ the Captain and he's not...) Um - I digress. Anyway - he went out on a romantic shopping date with Constance and got caught up in a riot about stolen grain, so we had to find it before he got all upset about the unfairness of it all. FFS. Ended up in refugee camp looking for grain which clearly wasn't there while Aramis and Porthos stropped about complaining about pointless orders. I think they'll find the _I'm_ the Captain though. In the process of searching I came across a seditious leaflet and a rather feisty young lady. She pointed a gun at me and asked if I had any secrets. It was rather arousing - just like the good old days with Milady trying to kill me. Except this one didn't then snog my face off afterwards. Was faintly disappointed about that, but managed to conceal it. Was obliged to lecture her on sedition and treason and the dangers of using a gun without proper training whilst disarming her and trying out that Stare TM which Aramis says is so effective...

Took her back to the garrison to have another little chat about inadvisable political activism and suchlike (her cause may be just, but as Treville pointed out, the leaflets could be used against the refugees). She does bang on about this whole liberty/equality/better-life-for-everyone stuff though – Porthos got well grouchy with her (wonder if he fancies her - Aramis definitely does). Quite an intriguing young lady though. One to keep an eye on.

**Day 2**

Today I went back to the settlement – not specifically to see the Fiesty Female of course – it was entirely to help get the refugees off the hook with this whole grain thing – because that would really annoy Feron (who is being a right half-royal pain in the backside). But it was only polite to let her to help… and she even managed to find some of those missing sacks! Was a bit impressed, but also put out by that to be honest – I’m meant to be the clever CSI one. But then, with brilliant timing, we discovered that one of her friends had got herself killed overnight, so I got to impress her with my investigative CSI skills and described to her exactly how her friend had been murdered! Go me! She seemed somewhat underwhelmed though – tsk –  some people are _so_ hard to please. Still, then the Red Guards came round being all shouty yet again, so I used that as an excuse to drag her off to another secluded spot with our sacks – genius! Not, of course that it was done with any ulterior motives – I was just trying to keep her out of harm’s way (being a gentleman and all). Didn’t work anyway, the Red Guards followed us (perves), so I tried to impress her with my ultra-skillful swordplay. Turned out she's quite handy with a sword as well - and her knee. Must make a note to keep on her good side. Also got somewhat distracted while she was fighting on the platform above me - checked to see how she was getting on and realised I could pretty much see right up her skirt. I tried to hop up onto the platform for a better look and accidentally stabbed a Red Guard who was up there - bonus! Feisty Female seemed quite grateful for the help, so I thought it would be ~~unwise~~ ungentlemanly to admit what I was really up to, or take advantage, so took her back to the garrison with me (for her own protection, obviously). Unfortunately while we were there, she found out that her father died in D'Artagnan's arms in the prison - D'Artagnan did apologise, and I directed my best 'concerned' look at her, though she didn't seem very appreciative. Pfft. Women. Tonight we'll have to try and locate the stray refugee. Best start by looking in a pub I think - seems like a good plan to me.

Will update on the results later...

Oh FML - why do I even bother? What was I thinking? ? I got Aramis to recommend a pub (he seems to have established an in-depth knowledge of Parisian taverns and their current clientele with remarkable speed), and it turned out that he'd picked one of those old fashioned 'Men Only' establishments, so had to leave the Feisty Female chained up outside with Aramis for company so she wouldn’t get too bored. (Felt quite discombobulated restraining her like that so headed rapidly off for a stiff drink.) Well anyway, while D'Artagnan was snarling at the other drinkers, Aramis only let her sweet talk her way out of the chains _and_ pinch his weapon for good measure - dozy idiot. Of course she comes barging into the pub raging about some two-timing refugee who turned out to be a Red Guard and threatened to shoot him with Aramis' pistol - only for Marcheaux (slimy bastard) to shoot him before we could use him as evidence, asserting that this was a 'Men only' establishment and the dead guard had broken the rules by bringing the Feisty Female along with him. FML. Then I had to stop her shooting Marcheaux by holding her tight in my arms. Possibly for slightly longer than was completely necessary... Erm.... yes. Was quite stimulating actually - kept thinking about having her tied up in those chains as well. Very distracting. Anyway, it was all very annoying about Marcheaux murdering our evidence. But, at least we had proof that it wasn't the refugees who half-inched the grain.

**Day 3**

This morning, I got to feel smug and superior whilst sorting stuff out at the Palace and annoying Governor Feron. (Note to self: Porthos’s hunch is likely to be literal if he insists on carrying two sacks of grain at a time like that – must sign him up for the next available Health and Safety 'Manual Handling' course.)

In the meantime, the Feisty Female took Aramis on a date by way of an apology for making him look stupid (not that _that_ takes much). Was strangely disappointed she didn't ask me - I have a history of taking dates to the mortuary after all - I'm sure I could have pulled ~~her~~ that one off ok. Oh well. His Stare (patent pending) has obviously worked its usual magic. Bastard. Bet Porthos won't be impressed either.

Finally went to tell the Feisty Female (goes by the name of Sylvie apparently) that all is well re. the grain theft and the refugees are definitely off the hook. Suggested that she could move somewhere more salubrious but she seems fairly keen to stay put. Then much to my astonishment she pounced on me - in front of the others, and snogged my face off. WTF? Hmmm… Was quite pleasant actually. Go me! I thought she liked Aramis though? Thank God the others couldn't see my face - #Confused. Still, I realised that they were watching in time and swaggered my way back to them looking suitably smug. They were quite obviously hugely jealous of my pulling power. Result! Being Captain def. has benefits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you've been looking at something for so long that you can't even tell if it's funny any more...? That. So I'm giving up on this episode and just posting it.
> 
> Update - turns out that it's funny :) Phew.


	3. Episode 3 - Brothers in Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis is slightly clothes-obsessed and Athos fails to get a drink.

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

Day 1

Well - the most exciting news just now is that we all have NEW UNIFORMS!!!! Hurrah! We all have pretty blue piping on our pauldrons - very 'a la mode' and it looks lovely with my blue sash. I also have a lovely shiny 'cross in splendour' on my chest (to reflect ~~my importance~~ God's Glory), and a new jacket with lots of lovely pretty buckles. Though to reflect austerity during the war and show respect for the general poverty of my fellow men, I have reduced the amount of leather being used. So my new jacket is shorter and the trousers are tighter and the whole ensemble ~~shows off my legs much better~~ is easier to run in.

So, today I went on a bit of a road trip with the boys to fetch the King's annoying little brother who doesn't have a nice uniform like me (he's very emo) and is not very good at riding (he fell off his horse). Fortunately he fell off outside a pub, which cheered Athos up no end, plus, as an added bonus, the pub turned out to contain Sylvie as well. I thought this would be a good opportunity to impress her with my medical skills (healing those in need is God's work, after all), but the Idiot 3rd-in-line-to-the-throne had an instant recovery and major tantrum after finding that his purse had been stolen. Now, I know that the Bible says 'thou shalt not steal', but it also says 'thou shalt not murder', so I was most unimpressed when he killed an assortment of valiant war veterans during his ensuing stab fest. I managed to keep Sylvie out of harm's way (Romantic HeroesTM should always protect the fairer sex). Then I lined up with the others to hold off the baying mob (Romantic HeroesTM are always brave in the face of danger). Fortunately Sylvie intervened to calm them down (blessed are the peacemakers) and we all got out in one piece. Would quite happily have left the Idiot 3rd-in-line there though (and taken Sylvie with us instead).

After we got rid of the Idiot, Athos sent us off to find out if Sylvie saw anything during the theft. D'Artagnan got entirely the wrong end of the stick and was very grumpy because he thought I was indulging in an inappropriate flirtation with Sylvie when I was merely putting a potential witness at ease. Mind you - she did say that she 'likes soldiers'! (Promising - my efforts in the tavern may have worked!) Unfortunately she showed no interest in finding out who the thief was and told us we should worry more about the murders. She definitely needs to do more bible studies, for the Lord says that  'vengeance is mine' so technically speaking, we don't need to concern ourselves with that side of things. (Though obviously, as a Musketeer and Romantic HeroTM I am greatly concerned with justice and honour.)

Day 2

As it turned out, the thief had promised to hand themselves in after the funeral, we went along to pay our respects and make an arrest. The pub landlord was doubling as pastor, but was ~~drunk~~ overly emotional, so I got up to help out and provide spiritual solace to the mourners. Learning all those psalms in the Monastery was time well spent. I was just getting into my stride (Sylvie looked very impressed) when Marcheaux burst in with his red guard minions. I was filled with righteous fury - how dare they interrupt me while I'm ~~performing~~ doing God's work! Minister Treville was cross with them too, and the mourners were so cross that they said they were going to storm the palace!! Obviously, as Musketeers, our job is to protect the Royal family, so we went back to the Louvre to warn the King. On the way, I saw ~~Mini-Me~~ the Dauphin playing in the garden so I went out to ~~admire his swordplay~~ stand guard - protecting ~~Mini-Me~~ the Dauphin must take top priority in times of unrest after all. While I was ~~watching~~ standing guard the Queen came over for ~~an emotional reunion~~ a chat!! I was a bit disconcerted to start with - she was very formal and uninterested in small talk, and told me to return to my duties. But then I realised that she was just pretending for our audience - the other three had re-appeared and were watching us, so obviously she couldn't show how happy she was to see me back. Was most disappointed that she didn't mention my nice new uniform though.

By way of expressing his disapproval at my meeting with the Queen, Athos set me to digging a tunnel into the tavern. Thought that this was a bit OTT - the Landlord hadn't actually banned us, so he could have just gone in and asked for a drink. However, the Bible tells us that we should aspire to manual labour and work with our own hands, so I happily demolished the wall with no complaint. Anyway, it all turned out to be a rescue effort for Porthos and Treville (rather than an overly complicated way for Athos to get a drink), which then went a bit wrong when the cellar inexplicably blew up mid-rescue. Then the Red Guard turned up and started shooting at us so we joined forces with the veterans to defend the tavern. Had a lovely moment of bonding with Porthos when we ran out of ammunition and then we had to get out our swords and jump dramatically over the barricades. All in all it was great fun - Constance and Sylvie brought their friends to join in, we beat the red guards, and the landlord got distracted from his vendetta against the establishment when his wife got shot. Obviously, that last bit was very sad (perhaps I could do a reading at her funeral - I never did get to finish Psalm 91).

Really, the whole debacle could have been avoided if Treville had taken me with him to calm things down - I'm much more charming than Porthos, plus I did the whole funeral thing, so have shown myself to be a Man of the People. I'm sure I could have sorted it all out without any of this violence.

Afterwards I was having a fun sparring session with Athos (while Porthos and d'Artagnan escorted the Idiot off to the Bastille for treason) when, to my delight, Sylvie turned up at the Garrison. Athos got quite grumpy when I said suggested that she had come to see me. Was a bit mortifying when it turned out that she was there to see him. Alas, God clearly has plans for me other than being a Romantic HeroTM. 

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Day 1

Had to escort king's twattish brother Orleans back to the palace today. Ended up stopping for swift half in the pub - had a double-take/OMG moment when saw Sylvie there, but was sadly working and it was most inappropriate to chat her up whilst on escort duty. Or perhaps that was a good thing. Wasn't quite sure what to say since last time I saw her she snogged me and then I didn't quite get round to calling by to see her again. Hmm... Oh well. Ended up not actually getting a drink, and also trying to prevent full scale riot caused by Orleans, but Sylvie is obviously in with the landlord because he put down his gun when she told him to (will file that one away for later – good source of cheap drinks maybe?) Unfortunately I was too busy being masterful and _In Charge_ to thank her. Sure she won't mind though.

Treville is mega-pissed off too about Orleans being back. Says I need to tell him _everything_. Wonder what he thinks about my plan to find out if Sylvie is free for a date on Saturday night?

Kingy is in a mega strop – says we need to find out who robbed Orleans and never mind about the dead war veterans. Bugger. Have sent Aramis and D'Artagnan to ask Sylvie if she knows anything. Nearly asked them to find out if she's free on Saturday night, but... well… best not probably. They'd just take the piss. Landlord is still in a strop too. But the thief left a note to say they'll hand themselves in after the funeral. Result!

Day 2

OMG – she was at the funeral too. Not at all awkward... Had to make effort to act cool. Put my best 'serious' face on and managed not do the embarrassing double-take reaction again. Pfft. Then Aramis stepped in and took over the service - monkish tendencies coming to the fore. Show-off. Still – was good PR for us: 'Musketeers for the people' and all that. So all was going swimmingly (well as much as possible given that it was the funeral of three war veterans murdered by the King's brother who refuses to apologise). But then - WTAF Marcheaux? FML. He came storming in and we ended up with another dead veteran and an overly emotional landlord on the warpath, Treville arrived and saved the day by doing the shouty thing at Marcheaux (Yay!) but Sylvie vamoosed before I had a chance to ask her about Saturday. Arse. FML.

So that was us back to the palace for another delightful audience with his Majestic Stroppiness, after which we found Aramis chatting up the Queen in the gardens. FFS - what happened to the whole 'I have to keep away from them to keep them safe' and 'I don't have a problem with celibacy'?? FFAS. I need a drink.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! FML utter cock-up. Treville's deluded 'they'll listen to me, I'm a soldier' diplomatic mission ended up with him and Porthos being held hostage at the pub (admittedly there are worse places to be held in), the rescue mission failed and the Red Guard bastards started taking potshots at us too. We ended up with Stockholm Syndrome: holed up in the pub (silver lining) with the landlord and veterans, bonding over our shared loathing of the Red Guards and mutual appreciation of wine. Then we ran out of ammunition and there was only one thing for it - Aramis and Porthos had a slightly tearful moment of bromance, then we leapt heroically over the barricades and hoped Marcheaux would decide to stop shooting and tell the Red Guards to use their swords instead.

Result! Marcheaux did randomly stop shooting at us (can tell he's never been to a proper war - idiot), and then Connie and Sylvie turned up with reinforcements to rescue us. Slightly embarrassing to need rescuing, but most welcome – and I got to admire Sylvie in action again. Gosh. Was going to ask Sylvie about Saturday night, but then her friend had a tragic deathbed scene so it seemed slightly inappropriate. I used my best 'concerned' face again - I think it went down well last time after all.

Was working off frustrations in the garrison with Aramis, getting all hot and sweaty.... and who should turn up by Sylvie. Aramis was all "Oh, she's here to see me". Smug git. Mortuary dates don't always do the trick you know. So I threw him up against the stairs and… Result! - She'd come to see me. Ha! Being Captain is cool. Aramis accepted defeat with relative good grace and then - WTAF? She flirted outrageously with me in front of _everyone_ and then said she probably shouldn't snog me in public - I said she could, but she just sauntered off again looking smug. FML. Mind you - she is _so_ up for Saturday night. Will ask Aramis if I can borrow his aftershave...


	4. Episode 4 - The Queens Diamonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis misses out on being a bridesmaid and Athos gets interrupted

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

**Day 1**

So, I am no longer a Romantic HeroTM. Sad though this is, I have accepted it and moved on (God moves in mysterious ways after all, and it is not my place to question his plans). I'm not bitter about it, and I wasn't in the slightest bit jealous about Athos' hot date with Sylvie this evening. Also, it wasn't remotely funny that we had to interrupt said hot date so that we could all to go to the Louvre, where the King's little sister had turned up for a fundraising visit (wearing a rather drab outfit, but that's English fashion for you). It turned out that she had been robbed on route and the King wanted us to find the stolen jewels.

**Day 2**

This morning we had to go and investigate the theft. Everyone was a bit grumpy because there was no description of the thief, so I decided to cheer everyone up by joking about Athos' interrupted date (purely to make everyone smile, not because I was jealous at all). While we were ~~still laughing at Athos~~ riding through the market, we were astounded to spot M. Bonnaire! Turns out that he's not rotting in a Spanish jail at all (Porthos was beyond grumpy about that) but out and about in Paris wearing very striking outfit. I admit I was a bit jealous, it was a lovely colour. Must work harder on applying the 10th commandment. He did a runner when we tried to talk to him, so obviously we had to give chase and find out ~~who his tailor is~~ why he was behaving so suspiciously. Fortunately, my extensive experience of playing hide-and-seek at the monastery paid off and we found him without any problems. We then established that he was the one who stole the jewels and that he had sold them on already. 

During Bonnaire's interrogation, I randomly bumped into Pauline - my best friend from when I was little. It was lovely to see her but ~~Athos made me stop talking to her~~ I was too busy with my duties to catch up properly (the Bible tells us to uphold the law, and I take my duties as a musketeer seriously) so I waved her off on her way and got right back to work without a second thought. I definitely didn't stare wistfully after her. D'Artagnan made some rather pointed comments about the number of women I know (clearly jealous) and honestly, you'd think he'd forgotten that I ~~am~~ was a legendary Romantic Hero TM in my past life.

Having got some useful information out of Bonnaire, we went to retrieve the first lot of jewels, which had been bought by someone for her daughter Serena. D'Artagnan was sent to sweet-talk his way to an introduction to Serena - who then turned out to be a horse! Most peculiar. Anyway, Serena was very uncooperative about letting us get anywhere near her - Athos even suggested shooting her (I was rather shocked - the bible tells us that 'Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast' so I refused of course). In fact, Athos was immensely grumpy about the whole thing really - all that pent up tension from last night I expect. ~~Serves him right, not that I'm jealous.~~ D'Artagnan managed to catch the horse in the end, and was very enamoured of the jewels - wanted one for Constance - I pointed out that there are other ways to keep women happy. (I have some knowledge of such things with my previous experience as a Romantic Hero TM and, as the Bible says, wisdom is better than jewels). Porthos had a fit of social equality and threw one of them into the fields for the workers to find (wonder if he's been talking to Sylvie). I thought it more likely that it will get buried and lost to the mists of time but I didn't like to mention that on account of his general Bonnaire-inspired grumpiness.

Anyway, we took the jewels back to the garrison and were about to head out for the next batch when Pauline arrived to see me, looking somewhat distressed! Athos said I might as well stay and find out what was wrong (I'm sure he didn't roll his eyes) so I cooked us a nice meal over the fire while we caught up. Apparently she's getting married and going to be a Lady, which is very lovely for her. She was very excited about her clothes and gloves and suchlike, I nearly raised the whole 'consider the lilies' metaphor to reassure her that it doesn't matter what she wears, but since she's getting married I thought I'd let it pass. Besides, her clothes are a lot prettier that the King's sister's were, so her excitement was completely understandable.

It turned out that Pauline was being blackmailed by someone who is very jealous of her nice clothes and rosy future, so she wanted me to sort that out (I may not be a Romantic HeroTM, but I can still be a Chivalrous Knight in Shining ArmourTM), and she also asked me be part of the wedding!!!!! (Very excited about that!)

**Day 3**

So, off we went to Pauline's new ~~house~~ fairytale castle, where I met her fiancé St Pierre (again, but properly this time). He was very gracious about my surprise addition to the wedding party. Pauline is clearly a good influence on him because there was a small waif stealing food that was meant for the wedding, but after one look from Pauline, he sent it off to be fed instead of flogged - following the Bible's teaching about sharing with the needy. Using my best detective skills, I solved the mystery of the mystery blackmailer and ~~threatened~~ politely suggested to the stable lad that he should stop threatening Pauline - I used my most ~~intimidating~~ serious face and everything. His response was to say that lying is wrong and that no good will come of it. I must admit that he did have a point, so I suggested to Pauline that she just tell St Pierre the truth, but he dragged her off to talk about wedding things before I'd managed to convince her. 

Then it all went a bit pear-shaped. Turned out that St Pierre had bought one of the stolen rings for Pauline. Athos and co. turned up to demand it back, St Pierre refused, Athos got cross, I tried to intervene, Athos got _very_ cross, Porthos had a strop, and in the end Pauline lobbed the ring at them and stomped off - as did Athos and co. Next time I saw her she was gibbering about being 'ready to get married now' with her new dress all bloody and St Pierre looking on in bemusement. All very awkward. Still, at least it meant that by the time I got that all sorted out and was back in Paris, I'd missed out on being sent to rummage in a mass grave to look for bags of money and I was just in time to wave Bonnaire ~~good riddance~~ off on his way.

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

**Day 1**

_Finally_ managed to get Sylvie to come over for a hot date, and she was well up for it - until D'Artagnan interrupted. FFS. I thought he was housetrained? Though Aramis says that he said we needed to go to the Louvre - not that he needed the toilet. FFS. Porthos gave me a right look as well. Jealous, obviously. Had to apologise to Sylvie and go off to see the King in a somewhat unfortunate/uncomfortable state while Sylvie just laughed at me. Cow. I'm so going to get my own back later. Turned out that Kingy's sister has come for a visit and lost her jewellery.  <le sigh> So muggins here and the others are off on a diamond hunt.

**Day 2**

Off on a jewel-thief hunt today - the rest of the lads were rather grumpy about it all, certain snide comments were made which I chose to ignore (a good Captain rises above such things). Fortunately however we rapidly bumped into a blast from the past - Bonnaire , who wasn’t overjoyed to see us and apparently isn’t rotting in a Spanish Jail after all (Porthos was v. cross about that. Come to think about it, Porthos is very cross about a lot of things these days. Must try a motivational speech at some point - see if that helps. Or just get him drunk and give him a melon to play with. Though that didn't work out so well last time.) Anyway, I digress.

After beating Bonnaire at hide-and-seek (go us!), and also lots of ~~threats~~ encouragement, Bonnaire agreed to take us on a grand tour of jewel buyers. We found all but one of the jewels (of course #smug); and we know where the last one is - will fetch that tomorrow. So all-in-all we did ok. Except by the time I caught up with Sylvie to resume our interrupted snogfest, she was banging on about equality and liberty again - and wittering about diamonds not being edible? WTAF? FFS - I just want to have a smoke and a drink. And a snog. And a bit more than that to be honest. But no - she wants to be respected as a person and wants us to get to know each other, etc etc, and frankly after a day of dealing with Bonnaire and Kingy and his loon of a sister, and putting up with D'Artagnan being all smug about his previously unmentioned horse whispering skills, I really couldn't be arsed with all that (well, obviously, I'm quite keen on 'getting to know her' but without the associated ear-bashing). So she stropped off in a right huff. FML. Maybe I should have said I'd go to her meeting and then just cried off at the last minute. Oh well. Chalk that one down to experience because I don't fancy my chances with her now. In retrospect I probably could have been more tactful. Arse. I blame Aramis – all this 'treat them mean, ~~get them killed~~ keep them keen' nonsense. Bet he gave me bad advice on purpose. Bastard. He's just annoyed with me because Sylvie snogged me. I’ll ask D'Artagnan for advice next time – he's got Constance so he must have _some_ idea about how to keep women happy and not make them try to kill you. FML. I need a drink. Wonder if that Dutch financier has anything I can put in my pipe…

**Day 3**

Headed off to find the missing jewel without Aramis, who went off for a catch-up with the latest 'woman-from-his-past' who turned up at the garrison (it was the better option rather than having him sulking or reminiscing about her all day). Except as it turned out, said jewel was actually with the 'woman-from-his-past' and we gate-crashed her wedding preparations to get it back. Aramis wasn't very helpful about it all - I had to wave my gun about and use my best assertive captaining   ~~threats~~ skills to get the diamond back. I mean, FFS, what's the point of being Captain if your own men don't back you up? Though to be fair we did disrupt his plans to be chief bridesmaid – or something. And he did mention his 'problem with obedience' when we retrieved him from the monastery. Oh well, whatever - 'BFFs 4eva' and all that. We left him there to get on with the wedding and I had a ~~general bitching session~~ mutually supportive chat with Porthos about it all. (As Captain, it's good practise to let your men know that you share their problems and concerns.)

Final thrill of the day was rummaging around in a mass burial pit for some money. JFC do we not have cadets for this shit? Or just Aramis, as payback for his earlier uncooperativeness. FFS. Still could be worse - I could be in a meeting about equality/fraternity/liberty. Narrow escape there I think. Off drinking with the lads tonight - excellent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter - somewhat delayed, but better late than never I suppose. (Got a bit distracted with other stuff.)
> 
> I have to admit that this episode annoys me - what happened to Pauline? She killed someone - does she get away with it? Does Aramis cover it up. (Obviously not because _Thou shalt not kill_ and all that. Does she get married anyway? I can't think of any other supporting character who is introduced and then dropped like a hot potato without any indication of their future. Oh well...
> 
> Thanks, as ever, for the comments and feedback. :)


	5. Episode 5 - The Play the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis has the best of intentions and Athos does _not_ want to be socially enlightened

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

Bit of a mixed day today. All started off fine – the Red Guards (who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag) needed our help to sort out a breakout at the Chatelet. So lots of  ~~enjoyable street fighting~~  restoring-law-and-order followed, and we got to demonstrate our superiority to the useless Red Guards and their irritating Captain - who was wearing a very gothic effort in red and black with blingy collar studs and a chunky cross set with a ruby.  (He may be shaving his chest too – weird, not that I looked too closely.) But he’s clearly a bit of a drama queen and sadly lacking in M. Bonnaire’s flair for being a peacock and carrying it off in style. Anyway, dubious fashion choices aside, once we had saved the day, Athos agreed to keep the loose prisoners at the Garrison, so I went ahead to warn Constance that they were coming.

Constance appeared to have been busy coordinating the feeding of the 5000, but had run out of food and was sending them home. Then, since her friend Annabelle hadn’t turned up to be fed - let alone sent home again, Constance wanted to make sure that all was well. Constance is a shining example of Christian behaviour - I do hope d’Artagnan appreciates how lucky he is.

Anyway, Annabelle's house was a tip. I realised that I shouldn't judge her harshly on this because, being blind, she probably bumps into things and knocks them over all the time. I was about to explain this to Constance and tell her not to worry, when a Pleasant Young Woman told us that Annabelle had actually been abducted by some men!!! Fortunately, the Pleasant Young Woman had followed the men and could show us where they were holding Annabelle, so we leapt into action (I  _am_  a Chivalrous Knight in Shining ArmourTM after all, and the bible tells us to  _'rescue the weak and the needy'_  ). So I distracted the kidnappers while Constance broke in and rescued her. I must say, they were most impolite – they refused to discuss the situation as gentlemen, so I had to demonstrate my superior fighting skills (again - just as well I have plenty of stamina for these things). Although they were slightly more proficient than the prisoners had been, so it was quite hard work - especially the bit where we rolled down the stairs and one of them tried to strangle me. I won of course, but Constance was very ungrateful for my efforts when I was done, and all ‘What kept you?!’ Honestly, she could show a little more appreciation - I may point her in the direction of Thessalonians:  _'give thanks in all circumstances'_.

Once we had Annabelle safely home again, we found out that despite being blind she is impressively au fait with fashion and accessories (describing, purely from touch, the fabrics and jewellery that her assailants had been wearing - I was very impressed). She also mentioned that she thought her abduction had something to do with leverage against her husband, who had designed the lock for the King's vaults before ending up in prison. Of course, using my genius powers of intuition, I realised that the breakout was cover for a robbery (this situation felt strangely familiar) and I hot-footed it back to the garrison to warn the others!

Got back to Garrison just as the prisoners were being returned to the Chatelet and we galloped off after them to save the day. Carrying on with my genius powers of intuition, I located the escape hatch dug into the vault and then we all had  ~~fun~~  a big sword fight with some criminal minions. I spotted a mysterious hooded figure sneaking out, so I gave chase, but he got away and I just got left with his cloak - annoyingly, it was exceptionally drab and unstylish and made with very poor quality material, so I chucked it away.

It all got a bit complicated after that. Apparently d'Artagnan had adopted a Harmless Loon after the prison break. Said Harmless Loon had told d'Artagnan about thieves stealing gold and needing to go to the Louvre, before being left with some Nuns for safekeeping. Then we had a natter with Annabelle's husband who mentioned that d'Artagnan's Harmless Loon was actually a Murderous Loon.  So off we went to save the Nuns - alas, too late. Next stop – the Louvre, where Minister Treville said we needed to find the Loon quickly. (Minister Treville is a upstanding and wise man, but with an unfortunate tendency to state the blindlingly obvious. Though this particular example of over-explanation was probably aimed at the Red Guard Captain whose ineptness had started this whole thing off.) Anyway, Porthos suggested that I wait outside to avoid bumping into the  ~~Love of my Life~~  Queen or  ~~Mini-me~~  the Dauphin, but obviously it was my duty to  ~~try and see them~~  follow my orders so we went inside! Athos, however, gave me the side-eyes and sent me outside to search the gardens with d'Artagnan, who was still feeling very sorry for himself about the whole ‘I let a Murderous Loon go free and got some Nuns killed’ thing. I explained that these things happen sometimes, and that it’s all fine really, because he had good intentions. (For example, it’s definitely not my fault that Isabelle and Marguerite's deaths resulted from my efforts to ensure the safety of the  ~~Love of my Life~~  Queen and  ~~Mini-me~~  the Dauphin.) They are with God now, and safe from  ~~me~~ harm.

Athos and Porthos didn't have any luck searching the Louvre, but fortunately, I spotted the  ~~Love of my Life~~  Queen promenading through the gardens with the Loon, who was quite agitated and waving a gun about. Driven by a fit of  ~~wish fulfilment~~  inspiration and my sense of duty, I announced that she  _wasn’t_  the Queen and that she was actually mine (purely to protect her - obviously; I don't know why Porthos was rolling his eyes - perhaps he was just surprised by my powers of invention under pressure). But the Loon didn't believe me for some reason, and pulled the trigger anyway, so I was forced to hurl myself at her and lie on top of her - as per standard 'Close Protection' protocols. Plus ‘Chivalrous Knight in Shining ArmourTM’ and all that. I also managed not to bleed all over her dress, which I thought showed considerable thoughtfulness on my part.

Predictably the King was most ungrateful about  ~~my~~  our efforts, but I have performed my duties and  ~~spent some quality time with the Love of My Life~~  everything was done with the best of intentions, so that is what counts.

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

FML - sodding useless Red Guards. They couldn't put a blind beggar in the stocks, never mind deal with a prison riot. On the plus side, some of the escapees headed for the refugee settlement - excellent excuse to _accidentally_ bump into Sylvie whilst trying to root them out.

Ooops, turned out that escapees were actually in with Sylvie. Clever girl alerted us by pretending not to know us. I played along and got to be all masterful and whisk her away from danger. Was sure that she'd meet me for a drink after that! Or not. Dear God she just started banging on about social justice and liberty again. D'Artagnan's and Porthos' eyes were rolling out of their sockets and they stropped off with the prisoners because I told them that Sylvie def. didn't arrange the prison breakout just to get a bigger audience at her motivational talks. Which I thought was very supportive and generous of me. But then she just glared at me for disagreeing that the prisoners might have been in prison for a reason. So then so I tried Aramis' StareTM, and that didn't work, and... FFS. I gave up and left. But she followed me out and carried on demanding that I consider that the prisoners might not be dangerous or even deserve to be in prison. Argh! Why the actual fuck did Aramis tell her that I gave up my land and title? (I'm going to have words with him) Now she seems to think that means I'm deeply into this whole 'liberty/fraternity' stuff that’s doing the rounds. Soon put her straight on that. Told her that I just couldn't be arsed with the hassle of it all (didn’t mention the whole 'I hung my wife and, on reflection, that might have been an overreaction' thing). Then she started on asking me what I wanted from _my_ life. FFS. By that point - wine. I wanted wine. Or a nice armagnac. Or a shag actually. NOT introspection and social enlightenment. FML. Not going to go and see her again, it makes my head hurt. Never again. Staying well clear. Aramis is welcome to her. Or Porthos. Just not me. FFS. Bloody woman. I don't _want_ to be socially enlightened. I want a quiet life and lots of alcohol, and Red Guards to beat up and laugh at.

So after all that ear-bashing, we had to sort out the prison break, stop the gold reserves being pilfered, deal with a mad loon who thought he was the King, and watch Aramis and the Queen rolling about on the ground together. FML - just shoot me now would you? Kingy was less than grateful for our efforts - what idiot thought that it was a good idea to stand the Queen right next to Aramis with them looking like they'd gone through a hedge backwards together?! It's a wonder my eyes didn't roll out of their sockets, and needless to say, Kingy stropped off in a huffy snit. D'Artagnan was a complete wet blanket when we got back to the garrison - drinking wine, getting maudlin and demanding to know why it felt we were 'fighting for the wrong side'. FML – he’s as bad as Sylvie… At which point I figured that if someone was going to make me question my life choices and demand that I have a social conscience then it might as well be someone I didn't mind snogging, so I hot-footed it back to Sylvie's. Unfortunately when I got there I had no idea of what to say so had to settle for looking confused and tortured. Fortunately this did the trick and she let me pounce on her without decking me. Result!

Wonder if she’s got any wine?


	6. Episode 6 - Death of a Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis goes on Close Protection duties, and Athos is a bit tied up.

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

Porthos & I had a fun start to this morning, fleecing the unsuspecting citizens of Paris with a killer combination of Porthos’ gambling ethics and my excellent marksmanship. Praise be! and all that - naturally I went into a nearby church to give thanks for my God-given skills while Porthos collected the money. The weather was absolutely roasting though – I had to strip off at the garrison because ~~I am~~ it was so hot. I have no idea how Constance manages in her dresses – they’re very practical, lots of wipe-clean leather (always wise in the garrison) and nice and dark so they doesn't show the dirt. But really, you’d think she’d prefer something lighter weight in this weather - a nice floaty muslin effort or something. I do like how she’s got into the spirit of things though – fleur de lys on her bodice and a nice little pistol charm on her necklace. Even if it’s not the _prettiest_ of outfits.

Anyway, speaking of Constance, once we’d donated the morning’s takings as to our upkeep, she passed over a note from Minister Treville sending us out on a vital diplomatic mission to meet an envoy. Athos was otherwise occupied, building good relations with the refugees (or with one of them anyway - not that I’m jealous about the amount of time he spends tied up with Sylvie. Not at all. And it’s not at all galling that he just turns up at the Garrison mid-morning/when he feels like it.) So, I made an executive decision that the three of us would head off and not bother to wait for him. 

Just after we set out, the Drama Queen aka Captain Marcheaux intercepted us to say that the King wanted to see me. I was a bit miffed to miss out on the day trip, but also quite excited by the thought that I might finally be rewarded for ~~rolling about in the garden with~~ ~~my beloved~~  saving the life of the Queen! But no – he just wanted me to escort him on a pilgrimage. Obviously, with my religious and ‘Close Protection’ experience I was the natural choice to act as his religious advisor/bodyguard for the day. So, that was me given my orders and told that I only had an hour to get ready – my cue for internal flailing about what I should wear!

Since we were going incognito, I dressed down a bit: swapped my jacket in favour of a hoodie, but couldn’t resist wearing my lovely Cross-in-splendour breast-plate – very appropriate for pilgrimage duties after all. His Majesty also did quite a good job of pretending not to be king in a very muted outfit – though it was beautifully cut and the best quality cloth, so of course he still didn’t look like the average citizen-on-the-street. And off we went! I thoroughly approve of his Majesty’s desire to share his wealth with the church (a sensible approach given the whole ‘rich man / eye of needle’ thing), but ~~flashing the cash~~ his generous donations did start to generate a bit of attention, so I suggested that he tone it down a bit to avoid overexciting the beggars (as the Bible says, _the love of money is the root of all evil)_. However, he wanted to discuss religion instead and then insisted that we visit his father’s tomb in St Denis before we called it a day.

His Majesty was a bit ~~stroppy~~ emotional - it being the anniversary of his father’s death, and insisted on going down to the crypt by himself, which was a clear breach of Close Protection protocol. I put up a half-hearted protest, but it’s not as if he was likely to be in any danger down there, so I stayed put and mooched about in the church looking suitably ~~handsome~~ contemplative and pondering complex theological questions. Eventually I had to go down and chivvy him along though, at which point he demanded to know if I slept with the Queen! I was most unnerved to be put on the spot like that and tried to distract him with platitudes about not dredging up the past, but he wasn’t having it, so I got a bit cross and said that I had to sleep with her because ~~of my contractual obligations as a Romantic Hero TM~~ she was lonely and ~~jumped me when I was vulnerable~~ that it served him right for being such a rubbish husband. Job done there, I thought - after all, the Bible says, _the truth will set you free_. Unfortunately, having had his suspicions confirmed, he had a mega strop and announced that I would hang for treason! All in all, it was turning out that the truth was likely to set me free-from-this-mortal-coil, which wasn't quite what I had understood that verse to mean. Then I was dismissed to contemplate my fate. Fortunately, though, I was distracted by the sound of a gunshot, which was my cue to switch from spiritual advisor to gun-slinging bodyguard, because we were under attack! I raced outside to defend the King. (Being under a sentence of death is no reason to forsake my duties. Also, on balance, I’d rather be shot than die on the end of a rope.) It turned out that the ‘concerned citizen’ wasn’t the upstanding member of the community that he’d have us believe, and he’d rounded up a gang of disreputable minions to take pot shots at us. Fortunately, what with my monastical child care experience and all, my ‘hide and seek’ skills are on point, so it was easy to lurk behind the various gravestone and memorials outside the church while I picked them off (I am the best shot in the regiment after all). In fact, it was such fun that even the King came out and wanted to join in (preferring to die in a gunfight than wasting away from illness), so it was a bit of a bonding session really. We were vastly outnumbered so I was slightly dubious about our chances to be honest. But I kept faith in God’s plans for me, and lo – there came four horses – and on them rode my BFFs _and_ Minister Treville! Plus a few of the cadets, so that evened things up enough for us to comprehensively win the impromptu sparring / target practise competition that followed.

We left the cadets to mop up the rest of the losing team and set off to return the King to the Louvre, only to be derailed by the discovery that the Governor Feron ~~was having a nap under a tree~~ had been killed, which was ~~no~~ a great loss. His Majesty was very upset about that, but fortunately it turned out that shooting at the lower classes (with my best pistol - the one with the lovely inlaid decorations) and me saving his life had put the him in such a good mood that he said he wouldn’t kill me after all – he just banned me from seeing ~~my beloved~~ the Queen or ~~Mini-me~~ the Dauphin ever again.

The rest of Team Musketeers arrived (looking a bit bemused to find us presiding over Feron’s dead body) and the King immediately proclaimed that his brother was a ‘hero and a patriot’ should have a full state funeral. Which was a bit much really – I didn’t see Feron doing anything to save the King while we were busy being shot at, and there seemed to be a distinct lack of credit being given to ~~me~~ Team Musketeers for ~~my~~ our sterling work. Though, on balance, the ‘I won’t execute you after all’ thing was perfectly adequate in lieu of actual thanks and gratitude. Minister Treville was much more forthcoming with congratulatory drinks back at the Louvre. Putting together the events of the day, I informed everyone that not only was the King was dying but Grimaud had obviously liberated Gaston in preparation for a power-grab. Athos was very grumpy and stomped off in a huff. (He's clearly jealous of my superior powers of deduction.)

To round the day off, I was summoned to a secret assignation in the cellars (most exciting!) with ~~my beloved~~ the Queen. It was very romantic - subtle lighting and just the two of us alone down there. She was a bit alarmed when I told her that the King knew everything, but I reassured her that since he was dying, he wouldn't exile her. This turned out to have been a rather abrupt way to break the news of her impending widowhood, but on the plus side I got to ~~hold her in my arms~~ support her when she nearly collapsed from shock. After that I gave her a quick pep talk and told her that she wasn't alone. Then I did a runner and left her to find her own way back.

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Oof - that Sylvie is a right handful - Feisty Female indeed. And def. likes being in charge. Bit bossy though - woke me up and then kept rabbiting on about my 'duties' and 'King and country' stuff - that's my line, surely? Still, at least she knows her place - went to fetch my breakfast while I lounged about in bed. Unfortunately, before she got back I ended up in a big fight with some Stalker who was in a right strop about something. Was sure I recognised him - not one of _my_ ex's - maybe one of hers? He was very cross anyway and I was embarrassingly close to losing due to his ungentlemanly tactics of hitting me over the head with a bottle/shoving me off the balcony/battering me with a shovel/garrotting me with a chain. Fortunately Sylvie came back and used him for target practise - albeit rather badly because she had two shots and he still escaped. (Note to self - sign Sylvie up for remedial target practise - though maybe not with Aramis).

Ended up back at the garrison with Constance mopping up the blood and Treville looking very grouchy that the others had gone off to a dubious al fresco picnic with old army contacts. So much for 'Acting like the Captain' and not going off on adventures, I'll have to go and fetch them back in case it's an ambush arranged by the Stalker. Treville has invited himself along as well - obviously doesn't want to miss the cucumber sarnies.

All headed off for a hard ride (not like that), with Treville making pointed comments about me being caught unarmed and unaware. He's obviously just jealous because he's not getting any action, and apparently comments have been made about the amount of time I'm spending tied up elsewhere. (I _think_ that was a figure of speech, I don't _think_ anyone's been spying on us?) Anyway, I bet that was Aramis - he's still jealous too. Whatever, we got to the picnic to find that the Gunpowder BBQ was ahead of its time and had exploded, bringing the roof down on the gazebo and any food that was going spare. On the plus side we dug out Porthos and D'Artagnan, who were a bit dusty but otherwise remarkably unharmed for being buried under all the rubble - though weirdly babbling on about refusing to diet? (Very odd). Concussion I assume... Was a bit alarmed at the lack of Aramis, but apparently he's off on a male bonding trip with the King - not at all sure that was a good plan. And then Treville got in a right tizz - muttering about an escaped waiter: 'Garҫon has escaped' or something  (no idea what that was about - can't even blame that on concussion). Plus he was still grouchy about the lack of food and said we had to return immediately. Assume he thought that Aramis and the King were bound to have cheese sarnies going spare. So on the basis of humouring him, we tracked down Aramis and the King, who _didn't_ have any food (FML - why did we bother?) but they were having a game of Death by Hide and Seek with the Stalker and his friends, which we joined in. Treville, of course, got ultra-competitive and took over (I think he'll find _I'm_ Captain now), but the Stalker got away due to his Deflecting Buckle of Bulletproofness and invisibility cloak (Might need to sign myself up for remedial target practise as well).

We never did find where the Stalker was hiding (in one of the graves perhaps - maybe he's 'undead'! That would be why he's so irritatingly good at not getting killed!) But we'll take that game as a 'win' since no-one fancied telling Kingy that he'd technically lost - the temper tantrum would have been monumental. And on the plus side, his Half-Royal Pain in the Arse Feron was the victim of a fatal disagreement with the Stalker - fantastic! On the down side, Kingy went on and on and on eulogising about how wonderful Feron was. We might have rolled our eyes just a teensy bit, but discretion is the better part of valour and all that, so we nodded and agreed. Or at least, we didn't disagree. Not out loud anyway.

We all ended up back at Treville's office for refreshments - mostly alcohol, it has to be said - result! Where I found out that Minister WeMustTellEachOtherEverything had omitted to mention that Kingy is going to pop his clogs shortly, which means that his brother has absconded from the Bastille with the Stalker in order to sit his 'Treason: 101' exams (aka 'How-to-Depose-your-Nephew-and-be-King'). FFS, what a bloody farce. And honestly, he needn't have bothered - blabbermouth Aramis would have disinherited the Dauphin at the drop of a hat if he'd been asked. Was a little bit grouchy about it all and ~~left in a huff~~ strode purposefully out to do important Captaining stuff (I also cancelled the food order on my way out - serves Treville right).

Of course, this all means that I have to save the day and shit, because no other sod is going to, so I can't be doing with the distraction that the Feisty Female causes, and popped round this evening to dump her. Parroted her 'Duty to King and Country' speech from this morning back at her, and all of a sudden she disagrees with it and says I have the right to a private life and... something? I rather zoned out I'm afraid - suspected that liberty and fraternity were about to get an airing and ~~gazed moodily into the distance for a bit~~ lost the will to live. Bit of a shame - was getting rather fond of her. But still, at least I'll have more time to go drinking with the boys now. Bonus. And I might even get to work on time in the mornings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the joys of Episode ~~sex~~ six.  
>  Obviously, I had to rewatch this one an awful lot - taking one for the team and all that.


	7. Episode 7 - Fools Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis considers teaching as a worthy vocation, and Athos is grumpy

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

**Day 1**

This morning we ran a practical tutorial for the cadets on Interrogation of Suspects, demonstrating different tactics and options on one of Grimaud’s Very Obnoxious Minions (VOM). This time, since d’Artagnan was with us, we let him join in: I demonstrated the importance of Picking Your Target, Porthos played 'Good Cop' again, and d'Artagnan tried out the 'Bad Cop' role. Cadet Brujon did very well in his first LARP of an Inept Marksman, and fun was had by all (apart from the VOM) though a rather tasty apple got wasted in the process. (I felt a bit guilty about wasting food, but teaching is the work of the Lord, so it was in a good cause.) Athos just sat in the corner ~~being grumpy~~ observing our efforts until the end, when he joined in to provide a demonstration of ~~irritation~~ intimidation via the medium of a Solid Thump.

All in all, the VOM was fairly useless (except as a teaching aid) so we were debating our next plan of action when Sylvie turned up (newly single of course, in a very ~~provocative~~ rustic blouse). Obviously, I didn’t bother flirting with her ~~because she’s just not into me~~ out of consideration for Athos, but she said that she knew where Grimaud was likely to be. Porthos was very suspicious, but 'the ear of the wise seeks knowledge' so we heard her out, checked the map and then set off for a fun field trip with ~~Captain Grumpy~~ Athos, who was refusing to admit that he wasn't really in any fit state to go camping.

We had just about reached our destination when d’Artagnan spotted a waif in the woods. He and Porthos followed her to make sure she was ok (a bad move – I think we’ve established that I’m the resident childcare expert) and ended up tied up in a big net with an audience of women who were wearing very drab clothes from a colour palate that would be best described as ~~'mud'~~ 'earthy'. I used my natural charm and humorous banter to placate them, so eventually one _very_ feisty woman indicated that she was a bit of a man trap and promised us 'one night only' at their camp site (which encouraged me to think that I might yet revive my Romantic Hero TM credentials). Once he’d been released from the trap, Porthos tried to emulate my skills, and was flirting with one of the other women. This was all well and good, I mean, she was one of the prettiest ones and was actually wearing a bit of colour too (an embroidered green jerkin), so I couldn't fault him there. But she was also _very_ pregnant, so he wasn't going to get anywhere with her. I’m going to have to give him some guidance on how to identify who is and isn't worth chatting up (teaching _is_ God’s work, after all). The camp site was quite well set up - some bijou little apartments and lots of facilities like a smithy, as well as the more basic canvas covered accommodation. Eventually the women provided some food and drink and said that Grimaud was probably hiding nearby at his weekend cottage in the woods. (This is obviously a popular holiday destination for the masses.)

__

The conversation was interrupted by some unexpected soldiers trying to loot the camp, and after we helped out with that, Athos had a big hissy fit about the lack of alcohol (anything other than admit that he was hurt) but eventually he let me look at his injury and I went to get supplies to treat it. To my astonishment, the Feisty Woman (Juliette) refused to share any supplies from their first aid box! I was astonished by her inhospitable behaviour – after all, the Bible teaches us that 'the generous will themselves be blessed', and compassion is a central theme of the new testament (as per the Good Samaritan, etc.) I could only conclude that her unwelcoming attitude was actually the result of her overcompensating while trying to hide her overwhelming attraction to me.

**Day 2**

This morning, d’Artagnan discovered that one of the women was really a man, who was actually a deserter from the army! From their rather obsessive behaviour, I deduced that the looters were actually looking for something specific in the village, though no-one would tell us what. As a result, Porthos and I joined Juliette and the rest of the women for a showdown with the looters, while d’Artagnan drew the short straw and went off with ~~Captain Grumpy~~ Athos for a game of hide and seek with Grimaud. However, d'Artagnan obviously thought that our morning had more potential for fun because he dumped Athos and came back to join in with our fight. Team Musketeers won (of course!) and then we used our interrogation skills again, to teach the looter the error of his ways: this time Porthos got to play ‘Bad Cop,’ I demonstrated Righteous Outrage, d’Artagnan played ‘Good Cop’, and as a result we found out that the looters were after some missing gold.  No wonder they were causing so much trouble - for the 'love of money is the root of all evil’.  However, our cunning plan to foil them was interrupted by Roger arriving back without Athos, so we all switched to hide and seek instead. While picking my team for ‘seeking’, I was shocked to find that Juliet had been slitting the looters’ throats rather than killing them face to face - most unethical! I fear she is a troubled soul so I set myself to ~~flirting~~ saving her soul while we were ‘seeking’. Unfortunately, I didn’t get very far since I was distracted from my ~~unwanted moralising~~ attempted enlightenment by the sight of Athos rolling about on the forest floor. Porthos' pretty-but-pregnant villager (who as well as being skilled with a bow and arrow, also knows her way around a diagnosis) identified the issue as a case of poisoning (non-alcoholic), so I spent the night ~~eavesdropping on his dreams~~ at his bedside - 'the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick', after all.

**Day 3**

Athos was much ~~less grumpy~~ better this morning, so we had a group hug and agreed to forget about his stroppy and stubborn behaviour. The Bible tells us to be kind to each other after all (though I did tell everyone that he’d been dreaming about Sylvie – purely to lighten the mood). He told us that Grimaud got away, but he found out that Grimaud's mother had tried to drown him at birth. Using my well known deductive prowess, I had a sudden suspicion and went to ~~spy on Juliette in the shower block~~ have a supportive chat with Juliette about how attempted infanticide rarely ends well. While I was helping her come to terms with her past, we were rudely interrupted by the looters, who took her prisoner to try and get their gold back. They were quite sporting this time, and obligingly fell into the various traps that had been set while we weren't busy beating them up with all available weapons (I found the hammer from the smithy to be particularly useful), so Team Musketeers won again – despite the fact that Porthos spent the duration on midwife duties (an important job - after all, the Bible tells us that 'children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward'.) Also, I rescued Juliette from the looters (and demonstrated that shooting someone in the back can be ethical in certain circumstances). I hope that she has learned her lesson about requisitioning other peoples’ gold in future (and will be more hospitable to strangers).

So, all in all, although we didn’t manage to track down Grimaud, we did save a village of the fairer sex and brought them justice (and a new baby), and also ~~got the lowdown on Grimaud's parentage~~ helped Juliette come to terms with her past, so it wasn’t a complete waste of time.

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

**Day 1**

V. grouchy today – back hurts, arm hurts, head hurts. FML. Not missing Sylvie though. Definitely not. Can concentrate on being Captain again now instead of lolling about in bed having lots of ~~sex~~ meaningful conversations that made my head hurt.

Though actually, I couldn’t be arsed with Captaining this morning - too much effort. So I let d’Artagnan take the lead on interrogating the Stalker’s Minion. (The Stalker goes by the name of Grimaud.) d'Artagnan was surprisingly commanding, and went for the option of a 'William Tell' LARP with the cadets, plus a side order of Aramis and Porthos playing Good Cop/Bad Cop. I thought d’Artagnan was commendably restrained, especially after his picnic with Porthos was ruined (and I bet Constance gave him an earful about the state of his uniform afterwards). The Minion was mostly useless, and _very_ obnoxious, so I thumped him at the end once d'Artagnan finished not killing him. Which hurt my arm even more. FML. Still, am struggling manfully on - I _am_ the Captain after all.

Was discussing venues for a male bonding/camping trip with the boys when who should turn up but Sylvie. Think she was hoping for an invite, but I played it cool and made sure she knew that I’m Not Missing Her at all. I _definitely_ wasn't looking at her cleavage through the gap in her blouse. I was just avoiding eye contact so as to not lead her on. That's all. She gave us some hints on good campsites and picnic spots, then went off looking like a kicked puppy. Am absolutely not feeling at all conflicted though - it's for the Good of France after all. I can't be distracted from being Captain, and I definitely don't miss all that distracting ~~sex~~ conversation about my life choices and priorities.

Anyway, off on the camping trip with the boys. d’Artagnan and Porthos immediately managed to get themselves tangled up with some local girl guides who were out trying to earn their 'Advanced Camping' and 'Survival' badges. Aramis tried some highly inappropriate humour about how he’s already got his 'Pinoneer Activity' badge for imaginative use of ropes (and nearly got his leg taken off for his pains) so of course it was left to yours truly to make placatory comments about equality and supporting women’s rights and Not Being Like Other Men (some of Sylvie’s witterings turned out to be helpful at least. Not that I miss her at all. Nope.)

Eventually they agreed to let us have a pitch in the corner of their site. Which, on reflection might have been a mistake. Campsite full of women... and Aramis. FML, if Constance is complaining about the food bill at the Garrison, just wait until the maintenance demands arrive because Aramis has got them all pregnant. FFS. Even Porthos was making eyes at one of them, but she was already pregnant so at least the Garrison won't be billed for that one. Anyway, they still weren’t very welcoming, though they did eventually provide some ale and stew to go with our campfire (one of them was earning their 'Outdoor Cooking' badge apparently). No-one volunteered to earn their First Aid badge sorting out my injuries though. Pfft. So much for promising 'to help other people'.

**Day 2**

d’Artagnan discovered that one of the guides was really a scout, who had infiltrated their company from a nearby camp. I'd had enough of the ~~unwelcoming harpies~~ girl guides by then, so left Aramis and Porthos to ~~get them pregnant~~ sort that out, and went for a ride to look for the picnic spot that Sylvie mentioned. Managed to fall off Roger while contemplating the gap in Sylvie's blouse (oops) and had to lurch through the woods using my sword as crutch. On the plus side, I did find Grimaud’s holiday cottage (not very salubrious - a bit run down and cobwebby to be honest). On the down side, I got locked in the cottage by an Aged Crone – all very Hansel and Gretel. Fortunately the door was no match for my cunning plan of simply throwing a bench at it, so I got out without much bother. The Aged Crone turned out to be the Guide Leader (WTAF? They might want to review how thorough their background checks are before appointing their leaders.) And also was Grimaud’s No.1 fan, and didn’t appreciate me saying he should have been drowned at birth. She whacked me over the head then got a bit stabby because I sat on her - jabbed me with a poisoned spindle. FFS, I am NOT role-playing Sleeping Beauty as well as Hansel and Gretel. She needs to make her mind up which fairy tale she wants to be in. Actually it reminded me of Milady (happy days...) though fortunately the Crone hadn't been to the same poison shop, since all I got was a case of delirium and the shakes, not foaming at the mouth and imminent death. Eventually the boys turned up and carted me back to the campsite where I got tucked up in a bed for the night. Had most peculiar dreams which involved Grimaud alternately lurking and stalking about, and Sylvie looking concerned and alluring, and traipsing about in a floaty nightdress.

**Day 3**

Woke up feeling much perkier – think they sorted out my back while I was asleep too. Got nice cuddles from the boys as well. Aww. Though Aramis made snide comments about my dreams. Obviously _still_ jealous re. Sylvie, even though I dumped her to concentrate on captaining, and am not missing her in the slightest - despite what my subconscious might think.

The girl guides turned out to be involved in some sort of ongoing feud with the local boy scouts – raiding each other’s campsites and such like. Very juvenile. So we helped sort that out while Porthos tried to earn his 'Midwifery' badge. Think he did ok, but his patient said he was probably more use in general as a musketeer. Anyway, back off to Paris, without Grimaud, but with an assortment of surviving scouts in tow who were earning their 'Being A Prisoner' badges. If nothing else, they might stop Roger doing another runner.

Wonder if Sylvie will drop by the garrison again when we're back... ~~she's much hotter than those girl guides~~ she might have some helpful ideas about where Grimaud will have gone next. Not that I miss her, but I would be neglecting my duty as Captain if I didn't explore all potential leads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... work went ~~very~~ a bit mad for a while there (note to self - freelancers are allowed to turn work down), and then I struggled to get Aramis to play ball again. Apologies for the hiatus (to anyone who cared).
> 
> I _think_ this is done - I was actually editing and clicked on 'post' instead of 'preview'. But I suspect I'm at the stage where it's just the odd word getting altered now. So, sod it - this will do...


	8. Episode 8 - Prisoners of War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis is secretive and Athos is grumpy

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

I am currently having lots of clandestine meeting with ~~my beloved~~ the Queen where she passes me secret notes. The words: “Please Aramis” and “One more time” may also have been uttered. It’s all very exciting, but completely above board and legitimate because I am working for the Greater Good and helping her negotiate a truce with Spain. (Blessed are the peacemakers, etc.)  Obviously, I have absolutely no ulterior motives in this, none whatsoever. I have even told her that we must tell the King, because ~~frankly he’s so ill now he will have forgotten that I’m not supposed to see the Queen or Dauphin ever again~~ he _is_ the King and ought to know about the negotiations.

This morning saw me sneaking off into the woods with a new guide to ~~some forbidding ruins~~ a secret rendezvous with Ambassador Perez, only to find that Grimaud had hijacked the meeting. Obviously, I tried to burn the note from ~~my beloved~~ the Queen, but I was overpowered by some of Grimaud’s VOMs and strung up from a rafter, which was most undignified and rather uncomfortable. Still, it gave me the chance to have a chat with Grimaud about the power of human resilience and religion. Sadly, he was very unreceptive and even implied that _he_ was more of a threat than God’s anger. I was quite stumped by such levels of self-important blasphemy, so I realised that the only thing to do was to forget about saving his soul, and concentrate on saving myself.

Once Grimaud had gone to lurk elsewhere I persuaded my personal guard-VOM to go and fetch more wood for the fire. While he was gone, I hopped my way off the rafter and undid my manacles using my Swiss Army Crucifix. Then I did a runner, only to bump into Grimaud who was returning from which ever stone he’d been lurking under. He was very smug, and said that my BFFs were on their way to rescue me, so I pointed out that if that was the case then we’d both get killed, which clearly annoyed him because he threw my drink away and stropped off again. Then I got to dangle from the rafter again until my BFFs arrived ('the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials'). I managed to shout out to them with a brief summary of the number of VOMs and associated weapons before Grimaud carted me off to be his human shield. At this point, Porthos turned up (looking slightly battered) and we had an argument about whether he should shoot me or not - he wouldn't. Fortunately Athos, showing the decisive qualities that make him a good captain, arrived on the scene and fired off a shot. Not that this had any effect other than to deafen me in one ear when Grimaud fired back, before he did a runner yet again. Everyone was very cross that he'd got away. Unfortunately, I lost my temper a bit and forgot to thank my BFFs for rescuing me. Instead, I shouted at them about how war is a Bad Thing, and Porthos shouted at me about how keeping secrets is a Bad Thing and we all agreed that Grimaud is definitely a Bad Thing ~~and that Athos is a bit obsessed~~.

Fortunately, Athos was not so obsessed that he wanted to Carry on ~~Regardless~~ chasing after Grimaud without knowing where he was, so we went back to Paris where we had to rescue ~~my beloved~~ the Queen from an unruly mob who were cross about the poor quality of illustration in the latest bit of FanFic shipping to do the rounds. Fortunately, the models in the engraving looked nothing like us, but ~~my beloved~~ the Queen was very worried and the King was very cross with her, and Treville got very shouty at me and said that good intentions don’t matter and I shouldn't be 'playing politics'. Still, ‘a harvest of righteousness is sown by those who make peace’ so I will not be deterred from my efforts to ~~meet with my beloved in secret~~ bring about an end to the war.

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Oh FFS Aramis. Had a v. tedious start to the day with Treville doing his best 'disapproving' face at me because Aramis is AWOL again. I said I'd deal with him later, but frankly, as long as he's not sleeping with the Queen again, I'm not overly bothered. It turned out that Treville had called us in because Kingy was having a game of hide and seek in the gardens (though fortunately not the Extreme version that he was playing with Grimaud last time). Treville was completely stumped, and of course he hates losing, so he wanted us on his team as reinforcements to help him win. Wonderful. It's a delight to have our highly skilled marksmanship and swordfighting skills put to such good use. FFS. To add to the delight, when we found him, Kingy was absolutely off his face on something and wittering on about how beautiful my ex is. FML - thanks for that your Majesty. Though on the plus side he didn't winge too much about losing when we shovelled him back off to bed.

Next on my list of happy events for the day... it emerged that Aramis and the Queen have been exchanging secret notes  (I _am_ going to kill Aramis if someone else doesn't beat me to it), and this had irritated the Spanish so much that they wrote to say they would be keeping Aramis until their exchange students were returned. FFS. Porthos and d'Artagnan had only just delivered them to the Red Guards for their cultural tour of the Châtelet. I was quite tempted to say they could just keep Aramis for a while - just to give us some peace and quiet, but all for one, and all that... When we went to retrieve the students, we found that Marcheaux (incompetent idiot) had brought forward his 'Practical Demonstration of the French Justice System' session, so we had to extract the Spanish students from a crowd baying for blood, and also ended up with d'Artagnan's cousin in tow. WTF? I think he'll find that  _I'm_  Captain, so it's  _my_  job to decide who we liberate from the Red Guards. Little sod then had the cheek to compare  _not_ rescuing his cousin with me hanging my ex. FFS. We don't talk about That and he knows it - it's latrines duty for him once we've sorted out this mess out. That'll teach him. (And WhyTAF is everyone wittering on about my ex today? Most peculiar. It's not like we're ever going to see her again - she went off to England to stand in the rain and eat inferior food.)

Took the exchange students on a camping trip prior to returning them to Spain, found a nice scenic picnic spot, and d'Artagnan went hunting for rabbits with his cousin. Well - he only stumbled across Aramis being held hostage by Grimaud - FML - I thought  _he'd_  sodded off for a bit. Obviously not. Arse. So the whole 'give us back our students or we're keeping Aramis' thing was actually just Grimaud - though WTAF would he want with a bunch of Spanish students? Nothing good I suspect, though they're probably less trouble than Aramis. Anyway, apparently Aramis has been feeling a bit left out of the whole bondage theme that's been going on, and decided to get a piece of action himself. Except of course rope isn't good enough for him - oh no. He needs chains. Bloody drama queen. Mind you, I seem to recall Grimaud was trying to wrap chains around me quite recently, so maybe that particular kink is down to him rather than Aramis. Whatever, we clearly needed to intervene; Porthos and d’Artagnan were all ‘We need a plan,’ and ‘We have a warrant for Grimaud’s arrest.’ Pfft. I think they’ll find that _I’m_ the Captain so I made the executive decision to kill him on the spot. That will teach him to hold Musketeers hostage.

Anyway, we got Aramis back after the obligatory gun fight – Grimaud hid behind Aramis for a while in the misguided belief that this would stop me shooting at him (idiot – like I haven’t been tempted to shoot Aramis several times anyway without the incentive of shooting Grimaud as well), but Grimaud got away yet again despite our best efforts. FFS. Either he has some weird bulletproofness thing going on, or we _all_ need some remedial target practise. Fortunately (for them) Porthos and d’Artagnan didn’t mention the whole ‘He won’t leave here alive while I’m Captain’ thing. (In retrospect, it was probably an overly melodramatic statement anyway.) Aramis though, was very ungrateful about being rescued (maybe the chains _were_ his idea after all) and went off on a whole rant about the evils of war (like we hadn't noticed that during our 4 years at the front while he relaxed in a monastery). FFS. And he had the cheek to suggest that  _I_   was somehow obsessed with Grimaud - I think he'll find that  _he_  was the one hanging about playing kinky 'tie me up' games with Grimaud, not me. (I don't do that sort of thing any more. Not that I miss Sylvie. Not  ~~very much anyway~~  at all. Nope.) The others suggested going after him, but  _I'm_  the Captain and I decided that we should go back to Paris and drink lots of wine with the exchange students instead.

Got back to the garrison, put in a wine order, then stomped up to my office with an apple to chomp on while we waited for the take-out to be delivered, and - WTAF? The ex was back. OMG... There she was, just sitting in my office as bold as brass. You could have knocked me down with a feather, and I dropped my apple from the sheer  ~~sight of her cleavage... gosh~~  shock of it all. Was hugely conflicted about her  ~~cleavage~~  being back until she snogged me. Then I had this massive epiphany and realised that Sylvie does light bondage so much better, and never makes you worry that she might actually really be going to kill you (and if I'm being completely honest then I  _have_ rather missed her). The ex was  _hugely_  pissed off and let on that she knew about me and Sylvie - which sent me into a bit of panic, since I never did tell her the whole "I-hung-my-wife-but-she-didn't-die-and-became-the-Cardinal's-assassin-instead-and-then-the-King's-mistress-and-I-pined-after-her-for-years-but-am-100%-over-her-now-honest" story. Shot off to find Sylvie to try and do some damage limitation, only to find she'd been arrested by the Red Guards for printing some dodgy pictures, which seemed highly unlikely unless she'd produced a saucy illustrated alphabet (now there's an idea...) Anyway, so I still had no idea what the ex. told Sylvie, or if she was the one who framed Sylvie for the dodgy leaflets. In retrospect I should possibly have hung about a bit longer and got a full update from the ex. instead of trying to strangle her (again) and then shooting off. Oops.

After we'd rescued the Queen from a mob, who were waving the leaflets about and seemed to think that anything in print is automatically true (credulous idiots - the picture didn't even look like Aramis and, as I recall, the Queen didn't have that many clothes on either), we went to see Kingy who was having a right royal hissy fit about it all. He had obviously taken Marcheaux's word for who was behind the leaflets (need to add Kingy to my shit list of credulous idiots) and had sent Sylvie off to be 'punished'. FML. Am I allowed to have one single relationship that he doesn't interfere in? And what happened to that sensible magistrate bloke we had dealing with the last crisis involving refugees - the one who said we needed evidence before people were convicted? FML.

Well sod that for a game of soldiers anyway - I stomped out and went off to track Sylvie down, and found her taking the lead role in another of Marcheaux's 'Practical Demonstration of the French Justice System' sessions, though this time he was trying to get in on the bondage theme too. FFS - idiot. It's meant to be consensual, or you're just a perverted sadist. Oh - right. Yes. Gotcha. Anyway, Marcheaux being a perverted sadist aside, it's  _my_  job to tie Sylvie up if required, so I decided, as Captain, that I definitely needed to liberate her from the Red Guards (with a bit of help from Porthos and d'Artagnan) Go  ~~me~~  us! (but mostly me, obviously, being Captain and all.) She was definitely grateful for my help this time, though slightly incoherent. I ramped up my 'concerned' look up to maximum with a hefty dose of 'protective' for good measure (thought that would do the trick in getting back in her good books) then got her back to my place - obviously just to get her cleaned up - she wasn't in a fit state for anything else  ~~unfortunately~~.

Not entirely sure how well all of this is going to go down with his Royal Stroppiness though - Marcheaux is bound to be complaining about us spoiling his fun - what with us disrupting his demonstration with the exchange students, purloining d'Artagnan's cousin, liberating Sylvie, etc. Plus, Aramis has been caught passing notes to the Queen. And my Ex is back on the scene now as well (maybe she could placate the King. Then again, she might just suggest that he hang the lot of us... best not involve her then.) Hmmm. Think we might be in for some trouble. Though at least Sylvie hasn't started off on any Liberty/Equality/Fraternity speeches yet... So peace and quiet for now then...


	9. Episode 9 - The Prize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Aramis is all about 'the Good of the Country' and Athos is 100% done with hide-and-seek.

* * *

## Secret Diary of Aramis

A sad day for France today – our King has died ('blessed are the dead', as the Bible says). It goes without saying that I won't be doing a reading at the funeral (despite my previous religious and funereal experience). Of course, my first thought on hearing the news was that ~~my beloved is no longer married!!!~~ the Queen would be in need of ~~me~~ support - 'comfort all who mourn' as the Bible says. Porthos was inexplicably grumpy about the idea of me providing pastoral support, and said we needed to deal with the imminent threat from The Enemies of France, and not go anywhere near ~~my beloved~~ the Queen - even though Constance specifically asked us to take a message to her.

Our first stop was the Palace, where (despite Porthos' plans) we did indeed see ~~my beloved~~ the Queen. However, she was very ~~abrupt with us~~ distracted because Minister Treville had been promoted to Regent instead of her, so she didn't stop long enough for me to offer my ~~self~~ condolences. (I did get a good look at her mourning dress - all shades of black with subtle blue tones adding depth, and a lovely mixture of textures. A resounding success!) Athos was mysteriously absent - probably tied up elsewhere, what with Sylvie being back on the scene. I was surprised by his absence to be honest – I thought (as Captain) that he would realise that the security of our country should take precedence over his personal life. Still, the Bible does tell us that without love we have nothing. (I will remind ~~my beloved~~ the Queen about the restorative powers of love when I get the chance.) Anyway, _we_ were ready and waiting to do our duty (even if Athos wasn't), and Regent Treville’s first order was to send us out to disband the red guard. This was such an ~~entertaining prospect~~ excellent start to his Regency that it almost made up for the fact that I still wasn't allowed to see ~~my beloved~~ the Queen to offer my services. Of course, Marcheaux wasn't at all happy about it (or amused by our witty repartee), so we ended up having a big fight – it was just like the old times when we'd have bar brawls because Porthos had cheated at cards, or because someone had spilled Athos’ drink, or insulted one of us. However, as the Bible tells us, justice and mercy go hand in hand, so I decided that the Red Guard had been beaten enough and fired my gun in the air to stop the fight and give them all a chance to run away. We were just enjoying a celebratory toast when Athos turned up - presumably having got wind of the fact that we were having a drink without him.

Next stop was another visit to see Regent Treville to discover ~~when I can see my beloved~~ the next part of his Cunning Plan. D'Artagnan was sent to get a Decoy Dauphin. Treville _still_ refused to let me offer spiritual and pastoral care to ~~my beloved~~ the Queen  & ~~mini-me~~ the King (despite my proven track record of such things), and Athos just stood there looking sheepish and saying nothing. (So much for 'all for one.') It was all immensely frustrating, but the Bible tells us to 'Obey your leaders and submit to them,' so Porthos and I rode out to see The Enemies of France, where Porthos ticked off items in his 'I-Spy: The Army' spotters book, and we were taken to see the Duke of Lorraine and the King's annoying ~~brother~~ Uncle. Gaston was still indulging his emo tendencies, but had ditched the crimpers in favour of curls, and was accessorising with gold braid. Lorraine was wearing lace doileys and religious motifs - and the most tragic wig (I felt quite sorry for him really). Anyway, we enticed Gaston to come back to Paris with us - I made lots of oblique references to him having a rather large ~~ego~~ inheritance and he couldn't get back fast enough.

Once we got him back, he completely fell for the Decoy Dauphin leaving Paris, and I _finally_ got to offer comfort and support to ~~my beloved~~ the Queen, and share our mutual ~~attraction~~ concern that neither of us knew where ~~our~~ her son was. She was very distressed, so obviously, as resident Chivalrous Knight In Shining Armour TM I set myself to locating ~~our~~ her son. Athos still wouldn't tell me, even when I reminded him about 'one for all', and this time it was d'Artangan's turn to look sheepish and provide no support whatsoever. So I went back to the garrison to have a think. Fortunately Sylvie was much more sensible than any of the others (apart from her inexplicable lapse in taste when it comes to men) and came to tell me where they were, which was just as well because I got there just as Marcheaux was making off with the King. I leapt heroically into action and knocked out one kidnapper (avoiding spilling blood in the House of God) but Marcheaux ran away before I could deal with him. I was very cross with Constance for putting ~~my son~~ the King in danger, but then ~~my beloved~~ the Queen appeared and in a surprise twist, said it was all her fault because she's wanted to see him -  I would have thought that, as Queen, she would put the security of our ~~child~~ country before her personal wishes. Anyway, I promised that I'd always watch over them, then I left them to find a new hiding place while I returned to the Garrison to tell everyone else where they were.

Athos was very contrite and admitted that he should have told me all about their plans from the start ('let each one of you speak the truth' as the Bible puts it) and we all apologised to each other for keeping secrets/being flaky. Then d'Artagnan went off to provide bodyguard duties - really, I can understand why he went (Constance is his wife and it's only right that he supports her), but as proven before, I have much better childcare/hide-and-seek/general 'close protection' experience than him. Still, it meant that Athos and I were free to ~~have another fight with the ex-Red Guards to make up for him missing the bar brawl~~ uphold justice and the law on the streets of Paris. Unfortunately, while we were busy ~~having fun~~ doing that, d'Artagnan lost the game of hide and seek (they _really_ should have sent me to do that part), and we had to go chasing off to rescue them from The Enemies of France.

When we got there, Porthos had already rescued ~~my son~~ the King (hurrah!), but we got there just in time to see Treville being shot (disaster!) and there was nothing I could do other than provide reassurance that ~~mini-me~~ the King was safe, so that he could die in peace. It was all very traumatic and upsetting (his lovely coat was completely ruined) but at least ~~my son~~ his Majesty was safe.

I wonder if I could do the eulogy for Treville's funeral.

 

* * *

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish

Wonderful start to the day. Was busy being Captain, when d'Artagnan turned up saying that Treville wanted to see me, **NOW!** FFS - who died and made him...? Oh, right... OK. So, turned out that our new mini-King is as hooked on Hide and Seek as ~~his father~~ the last King was, and, as Captain of his Musketeers, I was obviously nominated to be on his team. Which meant I had to help him hide somewhere in Paris. FML. What is it with the royals and their obsession with Hide and Seek? Still, could be worse, it could be sardines. That gets very unpleasant in full dress uniform - hilts and butts and buckles sticking in all over the place. Very hot and uncomfortable. And Porthos' pauldon is ridiculously big - you really don't want that stuffed in your face... I digress...

Anyway - Hide and Seek. Had no idea what to do with his Royal Smallness - if I want to hide I just put on an extra-large hat and go to a tavern - works for me, but I suspect less so for him. Decided to ask Constance what to do with him - she's BFF with the Queen, so is probably used to playing lots of Hide and Seek.

Went to the Garrison and practised hiding from Porthos and Aramis as a dry run (success!) then sneaked up to my office, and found that Sylvie was up and about, and looking much perkier. (Hope that doesn't mean that a renewed campaign to have serious talks about social justice and equality for all is imminent - have avoided those so far by ~~drinking in the tavern~~ having important team bonding sessions with the men - because it's my duty as Captain to make sure that morale and discipline are maintained. Plus, Sylvie needs peace and quiet while she's recovering, so it would be inconsiderate of me to let her ~~bang on about liberty and fraternity~~ have long involved political discussions.) Constance brought the King up to my office and said that my 'hide in a tavern' idea was definitely very bad, as was 'hide in the garrison'. So I instigated an alternative plan that involved delegating the ~~babysitting~~ position of Royal Attendants to her and Sylvie, leaving me free to ~~go to the tavern~~ carry on with the important business of being Captain.

Found the rest of the boys in the tavern - they'd just finished ~~beating up~~ disbanding the Red Guard, but left Marcheaux's sword on the floor for me to kick across the floor in a masterful way and get the last word in. I _am_ the Captain after all. He lurched off muttering threats while we had celebratory drinks. Whatever. Loser.

Went to see Treville and tried to update him on the progress of the game - but he wouldn't let me tell him where the mini-King was hiding. (FFS? I thought he wanted me to Tell Him Everything? Go figure...) Though just as well really, since it turned out later that I hadn't actually got a clue where the mini-King really was by then. Also, I wasn't allowed to tell Aramis or the Queen where he was, and they were _very_ unsympathetic about my duty (as Captain) to not broadcast State Secrets to all and sundry. (Yes, Aramis - I'm looking at you, Mr "Yes your Majesty, I slept with the Queen." FFS...) Eventually I ~~cracked under the weight of nagging and the mournful looks~~ decided that it was too dangerous to be the _only_ one who thought he knew there the mini-King was, and told d'Artagnan that the King was playing Hide and Seek with Constance. Don't know why he was quite so surprised by that, she can handle the cadets, so I'd have thought that one small King wouldn't be beyond her. And she had Sylvie to help out.

So, having dealt with strops from both the Queen and Aramis demanding to know where the mini-King was, Treville then enlisted me to help deal with Gaston, who was _still_ having a temper tantrum about not being allowed to be King.

Unfortunately, it turned out that Constance wasn't as good at Hide and Seek as I had anticipated, and been involved in a run-in with an ex-Red Guard 'seeking' party. (WTAF were they doing in a church?!) Fortunately Aramis saved the day (he's going to be unbelievably smug about that for weeks) and the crisis was averted - Team King still winning. Go us!

Sent d'Artagnan off to relieve Constance and Sylvie, and suggested to Aramis that we should ~~go to the tavern~~ have an informal motivational chat about how 'all for one' etc. still applies even when I'm withholding information because _I'm_ the Captain. Got distracted on route by Marcheaux and some ex-Red Guards running amok, so had ~~fun killing a few of them~~ to uphold justice and the law ~~by killing them~~. Then the Laundress came and told us that d'Artagnan is even worse at Hide and Seek than Constance, and that Grimaud (of course - who else?) had found him and the King, had upped the ante from just plain old 'Hide and Seek' to 'Extreme Hide and Seek', and was about to announce himself as Ultimate Champion (egotistical fuckwit). So Aramis and I had to postpone the ~~drinking session~~ motivational chat and hot-foot it to save the day. I mean, honestly. Am I the only one with the faintest clue that the whole point of hiding is _not_ to be found. FFS.

As previously noted, ~~Minister~~ Regent "I'd rather die than lose at Hide and Seek" Treville is ridiculously competitive about these games. So while we were on route to save the day, he intervened with Porthos to retrieve d'Artagnan and the King. So far so good, but bloody sodding Grimaud upgraded again to 'Death by Hide and Seek', shot Treville, and then did his vanishing trick again. Fuckity-fuck. Bastard. All very traumatic.

On a minor plus point, at least Treville died feeling satisfied that he'd won the overall game in a suitably heroic manner, but I am NOT happy. FFS. What a complete shambles. I should have just put the Mini-King in a big hat and taken him to a tavern with me after all. Bet that would have worked better.

And now I have to put brave face on for the men, and not get stocious-drunk and miserable about it all. Being Captain has its downside. FML.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A late note, because I should remember my manners and thank everyone for the Kudos and comments :)
> 
> One more to go...
> 
> Oh, and also, as an aside, I was delighted to find that the I-Spy series really did do "The Army" as a book. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-Spy_(Michelin)  
> I'm imagining Porthos completely geeking out over it :)


	10. Episode 10 - We are the Garrison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which God speaks to Aramis, and Athos heads for ~~the pub~~ a new life.

## Secret Diary of Aramis

**Day 1**

Today was Treville's funeral - a very formal affair. It was good to see that ~~my beloved~~ The Queen is following my example: reflecting austerity during the war and showing respect for the poverty of her subjects by using the same mourning dress for both Treville and the late King - even though she has been promoted to Regent now. Less sensitive people would use their increased status an excuse to order new clothes.

Anyway, after the funeral we retired to Christophe's old tavern for the wake. We were all very sad, which was only right – after all, the Bible tells us to 'be wretched and mourn and weep,' but it also tells us to 'encourage one another', and since Athos was ~~sulking~~ in deep mourning it fell to the three of us to cheer everyone up with an uplifting tribute to Treville. Unfortunately, our refusal to be cowed upset Grimaud so much that he got some of his Very Obnoxious Minions to throw bombs into the tavern and then blow up the Garrison!  d'Artagnan shot off to the rescue and we were very worried that he might have been blown up too, but he emerged from the smoke and flames carrying Constance (all very dramatic!). Much to our dismay, she appeared dead at first, but after I had checked for a pulse she was revived - truly, a miracle ('stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed'). Most of the horses were fine too (once we'd rounded them up again) so we soon pulled ourselves together with the help of Sylvie and her friends who came to help put out the fires.

**Day 2**

The next morning we did a stocktake, which was a bit depressing - essentially we had nothing but a couple of wagons, some horses, some charred lumps of wood, and the clothes we were wearing (a sad loss of all our spare uniforms and those lovely blue cloaks we used to have.)  Athos went into in full Captain mode - ~~bossing everyone about~~ organising what we were going to do next, and followed my example from last night: stepping up to provide a motivational speech (this one about the benefits of moving house and maintaining your identity). I reflected that 'my Father's house has many rooms' - but since they are more spiritual than physical, I decided that they probably weren't worth mentioning at this point. Anyway, everyone was filled with purpose, and went fetch wagons, food, blankets etc. so I volunteered to go to the Palace to ~~see my beloved~~ fetch more supplies.

When I got back, we loaded up the wagons and sent them off to our new base in Christophe’s old tavern. We were about to leave too, when we found out that Grimaud had taken the entire refugee settlement hostage and was going to kill them all (starting with Sylvie) unless we went there too! (Except he didn't invite d'Artagnan, which I thought was very rude of him.) This was clearly a trap, but Porthos came up with a cunning plan for d'Artaganan to creep in and ambush them while we provided a distraction. He also said that since we had failed to deal with Grimaud using our honourable rules, we would suspend our principles and fight by his rules (i.e. underhand sneakiness). First though, I needed to do some emergency surgery on Cadet Clairmont who was still rather ~~charred~~ injured, while Porthos had an unexpected follow-up appointment with his midwifery patient.

Once we got to the settlement, we hurled a few insults at Grimaud and his VOMs, and then we split up to make it easier d'Artagnan to pick them off unobtrusively. Porthos and I were entertaining a firing squad with our best witty double-act when d'Artagnan dropped in to help dispatch them. Porthos was all for grabbing their weapons to use against them, but fortunately I was less impulsive and fired off two guns to convince Grimaud etc. that we had been killed and that he still had the upper hand.

After we staged our surprise escape, we had a brief skirmish: d'Artagnan got top score by killing Marcheaux, and Athos lost Grimaud yet again. I was starting to wonder if perhaps he was enjoying the whole 'cat and mouse’ thing too much, and had let him go on purpose to prolong the entertainment. However, discretion is the better part of valour, so I didn’t raise this with him.  Just as well, because once we had rescued everyone, we found out that Sylvie is with child!!! (So there's no way that Athos would have let him go on purpose - the Bible is very clear about the results of harming a pregnant woman - 'an eye for an eye' etc.) Obviously, I was very pleased for both of them. Definitely.  After all, ‘children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.’ And I absolutely wasn’t at all jealous that Athos will be able to fully involve himself in his child’s life with no subterfuge.

**Day 5**

Very exciting day - ~~my beloved~~ The Queen wanted to have a service of thanksgiving, so we had to help organise that. This gave me a chance to ~~hold by beloved’s hand and carry mini-me~~ help their Majesties out of the carriage and escort them to the Cathedral (resplendent in matching blue outfits). Just as we got there, it turned out that Grimaud was inside too, so I was assigned to close protection duties and escorted ~~my~~ the Royal Family to safety. This gave me a wonderful opportunity for passing on PR tips to ~~my beloved~~ the Queen and to bond with ~~mini-me~~ his Majesty, while the others sorted out Grimaud and general crowd control. Once the service started, ~~my beloved~~ the Queen (quite stunning in a beautiful blue dress enhanced with golden metalwork and blue agate – simply sublime) gave a wonderful speech about the excellent service the Musketeers provide and announced that we would henceforth serve the entire population of the city in this capacity. Except for Porthos, who was being sent back to the front (as a General, no less - so a promotion rather than a punishment). I did make a slightly tactless quip about his Majesty taking after his father, but obviously this didn't cause great offence since ~~my beloved~~ the Queen asked me to consider being her new First Minister! I managed to hide my excitement behind a query of whether this might not be a bit inappropriate (the late King was fairly clear about his views on me being in the presence of the Royal Family), but ~~mini-me~~ his Majesty looked very hopeful, and of course, it was a Royal Request - so I promised to think about it ~~before accepting~~.

Back at the Louvre, in ~~my new~~ Treville’s Office, Athos was wittering on about the benefits of spending time with your family while I considered what God would want me to do. Then, just as in the monastery, He spoke to me - as if He was right next to me: "If you accept the Queens offer, you can watch over your son all the days of your life." Well, you can't get a much clearer sign than that, so my decision was made for me. It also occurred to me that, as First Minister, I would have to get a whole new wardrobe of suitably impressive clothes (purely in order to be taken seriously by the nobility and foreign ambassadors - they do not hold with the Bible's teachings that clothes are unimportant: 'Consider the lilies' etc). Besides, I need new clothes since mine all got blown up at the Garrison (Bonnaire’s tailor would probably be grateful for my patronage and he might have some of that lovely blue material still). It is also a great comfort to reflect that I'm fulfilling Treville's wishes - when he told me that 'a soldier should never play at politics', it was obviously an instruction to resign my commission and become fully involved in an official capacity. I'm sure he would be delighted to know I am to be the foremost politician in France, and in daily contact with ~~my~~ the Royal Family.

**Day 6**

So it was all change for all of us - we got together in the Garrison to: send Porthos (newly married to his midwifery patient) off to the front, complete with his very own minion (the newly-promoted Musketeer Brujon); to tell d'Artagnan that he was going to be Captain (which was a bit of a surprise for him, but obviously we knew already because Athos had checked with me first in my capacity as nearly-First-Minister, and we had to tell Porthos too or he would have ~~been grumpy~~ felt left out); and finally to send Athos off on his 'leave of absence' with Syvlie.

All in all, I am looking forward to my new ~~clothes~~ role and to legitimately ~~snogging the face off~~ spending time with her Majesty. And obviously I will guide ~~mini-me~~ the King so that he grows up to be a wise, peace-loving ruler who dispenses justice to his people. For, as I shall teach him - 'he who loves wisdom makes his father glad' and 'by justice a king builds up the land.' I am going to be an _excellent_ ~~father~~ First Minister!

 

##  ~~Secret Diary of Athos~~ Captain’s Log, Year of our Lord 1637-ish, Part 9

**Day 1**

Rubbish day. Treville still dead. Everyone still miserable. Porthos, d'Artagnan and Aramis did the eulogies, then the Tavern got bombed (in the explosive sense as well as the alcoholic sense). Then the Garrison blew up with Constance and the Cadets inside it. FML. Am going to kill Grimaud and Marcheaux. Slowly and painfully. Being Captain has some perks, and one of them is that I get first dibs on killing them. The Garrison was completely wrecked and everyone v. worried about Constance and cadets. d'Artagnan ran in to find Constance just before another big explosion, so we thought he was dead too. V.v.v. depressed - esp. when saw Grimaud lurking on a roof gloating. Bastard. Fortunately, once he did his usual vanishing trick, things started to look up. Found some rather battered cadets disguised as lumps of charred wood, then d'Artagnan emerged (Not Dead after all - bit of a result!) carrying Constance (also Not Dead, due to hiding behind a door with Cadet Brujon). And finally Sylvie turned up with some refugees to help put the fire out and generally made herself useful. Am def. v. fond of her. Nice practical girl, albeit with slightly alarming revolutionary tendencies.

**Day 2**

Today we started by having a scavenger hunt round the Garrison. Not a vast amount to be found, so decided to ~~go for a drink~~ move operations to the Tavern (which has the benefit of ~~alcohol on tap~~ walls, and a roof). Cadet Brujon got v. upset about leaving the Garrison, so I did an encouraging speech about how we are more important than any place ~~apart from the pub, obvs~~. Everyone looked very serious and approving. Result! Am clearly excellent at Captaining. Sylvie was v. impressed too. She got a bit flushed and gave me lots of admiring and supportive looks, then said she would get some more blankets and food from the settlement to help Constance. Considered asking her to bring wine and rope too, but on reflection, that's probably best kept to her room - not the ~~pub~~ new open-plan HQ.

Was just finishing up at the Garrison when Grimaud sent a messenger. She wasn't much use (being dead) but fortunately there was a note too. Turned out that the obsessed bastard was challenging all of us except d'Artagnan to a whole tournament of party games - winner takes all, with Sylvie and her friends as the prize. FML - was trying to ~~find time for a drink~~ tidy the Garrison, not take part in a one of his OTT Party Game Extravaganzas. Everyone was all very FFS and WTAF, except Porthos, who had a Cunning Plan to make sure we won. Most impressive. While we were finalising tactics, Elodie (her from the Girl Guides) turned up with her baby. Was v. surprised - thought we'd established that _her_ baby def. wasn't our fault, but Porthos seemed v. keen. Left him to it anyway, and took the opportunity to have a Meaningful Conversation with d'Artagnan while Aramis did more surgery on Cadet Clairmont. Eventually got Porthos to put the baby down and implement his Cunning Plan, which included No Rules and No Honour, and setting d'Artagnan (still Not Dead!) to Stealth/Assassin mode. Sent him off to sneak in the back way to the settlement to wreak silent havoc (that'll teach Grimaud to leave him off party invitations), while we distracted Grimaud and his bunch of Morose Men with our witty repartee and insults.

Started off with Hide and Seek at the settlement, but found everyone _very_ easily - they're clearly missing the point of the 'hiding' part. Then I had a Staring Contest with Grimaud (which was a draw I think) and Porthos and Aramis went off to have a Shooting Contest with the ex-Red Guards.

All was going to plan - got chained up in prep for Escapology Contest, when Grimaud (typically) was thoroughly ungentlemanly and threatened to skip the rest of the games and kill us. Was explaining about how death holds no fear for us, when - OMG - turned out that Sylvie is pregnant!!! O.M.G. Exchanged meaningful looks with her ("Have you been standing too close to Aramis, or is it mine?"..."It's yours"..."Cool, I'd better get us out of this then...") Then, d'Artagnan (definitely Not Dead!) jumped out, which was a bit of a surprise for Grimaud - ha! Though, typically, he shot a random ex-Red-Guard instead of Grimaud (FML - does than man repel bullets, or is d'Artagnan's aim that bad?) But Grimaud was so surprised by d'Artagnan's 'not actually dead' status that Sylvie could knock him over with her hands tied behind her back - and did! Pregnancy and feistiness are not mutually exclusive - was well impressed. In the meantime, I battered Marcheaux with my useful metal handcuffs and Sylvie's friends joined in.

In the resulting chaos, d'Artagnan had a couple of turns at 'Pin the ~~Dagger in~~ Tail on the Grimaud', then had a race with Marcheaux while I was busy untangling Sylvie and chasing after Grimaud. He, as ever, managed to get out of sight so he could upgrade his Everyday Lurking Cloak for an Invisibility Cloak. Was forced to go back and admit to d'Artagnan (who'd dispatched Marcheaux) that he had vanished yet again. HowTAF he managed that I have no idea... was a bit cross, though the overall result was a win:  
Dead Team Musketeers - 0; Dead Team Grimaud - 6.  
But more importantly, OMG I'm going to be a father. Gulp... Is quite cool actually. OMG! Go me! (And Sylvie too, obvs.)

Anyway, the boys all v. excited about being uncles. Porthos v. keen to help with the birth since she's short of midwife - Sylvie seemed less enthused with that idea (have finally found the limits of her belief in equal opportunities for all!) So we compromised with agreeing they could help teach the baby how to fight. Sylvie declined my suggestion of a ~~celebratory shag~~ lie down and went off to deliver supplies to Constance and I got a bit emosh with Porthos (slightly embarrassing since not actually drunk, but he was v. understanding - having recently acquired a baby himself). Went back to ~~the pub~~ HQ for celebratory drinks. Hurrah! And OMG! (Slight pause for thought - the ex won't be pleased.)

**Day 3**

Went to see her Majesty, and got updated on the plans for the ~~big party~~ Thanksgiving Service at the Cathedral. Was still v. excited about impending fatherhood and came up with a plan to Improve Other People's Lives too. Decided that Porthos ought to get some sort of reward for his Cunning Plan, so suggested to her Majesty that he get a promotion (to help fund his Instant Family TM). Plus suggested Aramis for First Minister - that job sounds far too much like hard work to me, and as First Minister, Aramis is officially required to hang out with her Majesty and the mini-King. Another Instant FamilyTM achieved. Go me! Couldn't do much for d'Artagnan by way of providing a baby for him too (not without overstepping the bounds of friendship anyway) will have to leave that one up to him and Constance to sort out. There's bound to be something else missing from his life that I could sort out, but can't think of anything off the top of my head... Hmmm... Will put thinking cap on.

**Day 5**

FML. Had just about got her Majesty and the King to the Cathedral this morning for the ~~big party~~ Thanksgiving Service when Constance told us that Grimaud had sneaked inside for another sodding round of Hide and Seek. FFActualSake, the man is bloody obsessed - worse than the last King if that's possible. So I picked teams and took d'Artagnan to play 'Hunt the Fuckwit' in the crypts and left the others to do the crowd control. Once inside, we easily spotted the trail of ~~breadcrumbs~~ gunpowder (back to Hansel and Gretel again) and postponed 'Hunt the Fuckwit' to play 'Hunt the large amount of very explosive gunpowder' (which was ridiculously easy due to the hissy crackly noise and bright glowing fuses being v. conspicuous in a dark silent crypt). Round 1 to us - Grimaud thwarted. We rule! Reverted to Hide and Seek again, and split up to do the seeking. d'Artagnan sniffed him out first and laid into him before I got there, selfish sod. So I pulled rank and said that he could FRO if he thought he was going to kill Grimaud as well as Marcheaux. Told him to Stay! and confiscated his sword just in case (I _am_ the Captain after all - need to make sure that orders are obeyed) then went after Grimaud. Weirdly, I found him by a swimming pool. No idea why the crypt has swimming pool, but there we go. Was quite handy for dumping Grimaud in once I caught up with him. Splashed around and had a bit of a water fight with him, then introduced him to the game of Extreme Apple Bobbing, which he was never going to win because I'd 'forgotten' to add the apple. Like Porthos said, No Mercy, No Rules, No Honour ~~No Apples~~. Besides, have gone right off apples since the Ex surprised me while I was eating one.

Was a bit knackered after that to be honest, and my boots were full of water (ick) so I had a little sit down and waited to make sure that Grimaud didn't come back to life or vanish again. In the meantime, d'Artagnan failed his obedience training and came to find me, but I decided to let him off that one, gave him back his sword, and squelched back up to the Cathedral with him to let everyone back in and start the ~~party~~ Thanksgiving Service. Her Highness gave a very nice speech - was sure Sylvie would approve of its inclusive citizenship sentiments. Was slightly startled to hear we were being disbanded (that memo must have been blown up in the Garrison) but relieved about being immediately reformed. Escorted the Royal Family out at the end and watched her Majesty put my Improving Other People's Lives plans into action. Result!

**Day 6**

Plan of action all ready to go. Commission, horse and shiny new pauldron for ~~Cadet~~ Musketeer Brujon; Instant Families TM and promotions for Porthos and Aramis; promotion and a hat for d'Artagnan; sabbatical with Sylvie and Sprog (well away from the scary ex) for me! Sylvie was slightly bemused by my lack of detailed plan once we were out of Paris, but I deflected her with a motivational speech and a snog. Think I'm getting the hang of this Attentive Partner and Father-To-Be thing... Go me!  
.  
.  
.  
Hope there's a pub soon though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... we're done.
> 
> 1) I really feel I should apologise to Aramis for making him quite so self-obsessed and deluded. (But serves him right for being so hard to write.)
> 
> 2) I should definitely thank everyone for reading, and commenting, and asking for more. You're all lovely - thank you :)
> 
> 3) I'm sure I should be adding something else but I've forgotten what it was.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Hide and Seek](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323010) by [WeUsedToKnock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeUsedToKnock/pseuds/WeUsedToKnock)




End file.
